bo bcAn exhaustive in-depth investigation conducted by right wing citizen journalists, digital imaging experts, and Google users has established convincingly that Barack Hussein Obama’s alleged "birth certificate" is an incontrovertible fraud. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is ineligible to become president and is in fact an illegal immigrant and that is only the first and indeed least terrifying of the implications of this shocking scandal.

The image to the left is the one posted at the far-left liberal "blog" named "Daily Kos," run by one "Markos Moulitsas" (pictured here); the title of the blog is misleading as it is updated more often than "daily" and "Kos" is not the real name of its proprietor ("Kos" is in fact the Middle Arabic word for "Che"). "Kos," or "Che," posted this so-called "birth certificate" on the command of the Barack Hussein campaign, probably at gunpoint.

punThe forgery is laughable on its face. (1) It is well known that Hawaii did not have typefaces in 1961, the year of "Barack Hussein Obama’s" "birth." There are several typefaces in the "birth certificate"; once these are transferred from Photoshop to Microsoft Word, the tell-tale traces of kerning become clear to even the most disbelieving eye. (2) I for one have always been skeptical that someone as wildly ambitious as Barack Hussein Obama would have chosen to be born in Hawaii. No successful presidential candidate has ever come from Hawaii (though it was often remarked that Warren G. Harding suspiciously reeked of pineapple). Hawaii has few if any electoral votes and it is unclear if the climate there is even capable of supporting life — human life, at any rate. (3) Other contemporary birth records from the "state" of Hawaii feature the official "state" logo and mascot (pictured right).

Responsible speculation continues below.

Only the most rabid of partisans would place their blind trust in the candidacy of a man who cannot even prove he was born. What evidence do we have that this "Barack Hussein Obama" even exists? After all, detailed investigation reveals that his name, "Barack Hussein Obama," is an anagram for either "Dread Cthulu," or else, even more frighteningly, "Tom Boerwinkle." Why, his "father’s" "race" is listed as "African," when he was really Black! Ha! HAH! Heh. Ho. Hum.

Can we afford to ignore that this alleged "Barack Hussein Obama" is very likely a being who has lain for ages ucounted in stone houses in His great city of R’lyeh, preserved by the spells of a mighty undead God-being for a glorious resurrection when the stars and the earth might once more be ready for Him to secure the Democratic presidential nomination? Or perhaps he is the reincarnated dark-miened tyrant Xerxes, sent to compel all Sparta as well as Heartland Religious Values Voters to kneel before him and render unto him tribute and the very flower of their womanhood! (Spartans loved them their womenfolk, you know.)

These are serious questions, and it is incumbent upon the so-called "Barack Hussein Obama" to immediately produce valid copies of his "birth certificate," driver’s license, immunization record, junior high school report card, passport, hair follicles, toenail clippings, grocery lists, shoe size, marriage license, firstborn child, Master Card number, bowling scores, and other crucial documents and testimonies so that we can pore over them in minute, even ludicrous detail in order to disprove something we will insist on believing anyway. This is, after all, America.

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  2. Late Night: Birth Cert-O-Mania!
  3. Late Night: Birth, Death, Sex & Race
  4. Birth of a Vacation
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