"The sky is full of terrorists!"

"Our enemies will test the new president early," Lieberman, I-Conn., told Face The Nation host Bob Schieffer. "Remember that the truck bombing of the World Trade Center happened in the first year of the Clinton administration. 9/11 happened in the first year of the Bush administration."

Once upon a time there was a game pullet named Chicken Loser who lived in a green and lush valley. One day, Chicken Loser decided to eat his lunch under an old oak tree. He had just finished his mealy worm sandwich when a spring breeze swayed the branches above him. An acorn fell and hit Chicken Loser on his head.

"Oh, my heavens!" Chicken Loser exclaimed, his wattle quivering furiously. "I have been the victim of a terrorist attack! What dastardly freedom-hating, death-loving organization could be behind this?! Our Leader must be told immediately!" He gathered up his possessions, and set off to warn everyone he could about the imminent assault on their freedoms.

At a clearing, Chicken Loser met up with one of his very few friends, a pig named Windsey Lindsey, who was haggling with an itinerant farmer over the price of seed corn he intended to plant on his farm. "Windsey," Chicken Loser whined, "You can't possibly go back to your farm. I was set upon by godless pagan terrorists! We must, as good citizens, inform our Leader of this horrible occurrence!" So insistent was Chicken Loser that Windsey Lindsey, shaking in his little cloven-hoofed boots, grabbed his five bushels of seed corn for which he paid the meager sum of 5 crowns, and off the two went.

Later that afternoon, the trio stumbled upon Flipsy Flopsy the old chipmunk, who was dozing fitfully, mumbling the words "trollop" and "jello" in his sleep. Chicken Loser shook him awake.  "Wake up, Flipsy Flopsy!  We are all in grave, grave danger!"

"Wha. . . no grave for me yet!" Flipsy Flopsy barked, startled out of his sleep.  He rubbed his eyes.  "Oh, it's you, Chicken Loser.  I've been waiting here for you all day.  You were supposed to take me to the early bird special at the diner."

"Not now, Flipsy! The terrorists are coming!  We must get to town and tell our Leader so he can protect us!"

"Terrorist attacks, you say?" Flipsy Flopsy thought for a moment.  "This would be very advantageous for my campaign, you know. I am already battle-tested."

"Yeah, if you consider downing 5 fighter jets 'battle tested'," Windsey muttered.

"Go f*ck yourself, Windsey."

Chicken Loser stepped between the two.  "Now is not the time to bicker.  We have been charged with a very important task!  We must make everyone aware of the looming threats of terrorism and appeasing Democrats. Now you two shake hands."  Their peace grudgingly made, the new trio set off as the sun was starting its descent in the afternoon sky.

They soon arrived at the bank of a pond, where an emotionally deranged chimp sat, catching frogs and stuffing firecrackers up their behinds. "Wimpy Chimpy," Chicken Loser asked. "What are you doing?"

Wimpy Chimpy looked up and blinked several times before answering. "Ah saw 'em doin' this on the Youtubes. Wanted to try it mahself."

Chicken Loser screeched in alarm. "Don't you know, Wimpy Chimpy, that the Internet, through violent jihadist videos posted on YouTube, is being used to recruit terrorists here in the [Valley]? You could be mistaken for a terrorist! We are on our way to tell the Leader that our peaceful land is in imminent danger from freedom-hating jihadists!"

With that, Wimpy Chimpy leapt to his feet, still clutching a frog. "AIR ASSAULT!" he bellowed as he charged off down the path ahead of Chicken Loser and Windsey Lindsey. "An' Ah got Saddam's pistol!" 

The three started after Wimpy, but a giant leopard slug wearing a down parka oozed across the path, stopping them in their tracks.  

"My name is Dick Cheney, and I wanted to personally thank the three of you," the slug snarled. "You have discharged your duties to perfection.  For you see, unbeknownst to any of you, Wimpy Chimpy is, in actuality, your Leader.  He has gone off to push a big red button that will annihilate an ancient country, create a whole new generation of terrorists which will translate into endless war and monumental profits for Halliburton, severely disrupt our oil supply and drive up fuel prices, and create a permanent Depression, forcing the populace to be satisfied working for slave wages with no benefits." And with that, he awarded each of the travelers a plum lobbyist gig with the defense industry.

To this day, Chicken Loser always makes sure that he sits under his KBR-monogrammed umbrella to fend off any potential terrorist attacks.