john_r_bolton.jpgWhen last we saw Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar, they had graciously agreed to do a special edition of "Wayne’s World" just for FDL in order to interview Bob Stokes and Rick Santorum.  Today they’ve even more graciously agreed  to interview John Bolton, who along with many neocons and conservative Republicans is strangely dismayed at the Bush Administration’s recent diplomatic successes with North Korea. Take it away, Wayne and Garth!

(Shot of camera doing a slow fade in to the sound of ’80s-style metal music; two young men in typical late-’80s metal head garb and hairdos sit in what looks to be a typical studio set for an interview show)

WAYNE AND GARTH: Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! FDL!

WAYNE: Welcome to Wayne’s World on FDL! I am your excellent host, Wayne Campbell, and with me as always is Garth Algar. Thanks to Fire Dog Lake and Phoenix Woman for another most excellent appearance!

WAYNE AND GARTH (getting up from their chairs and kneeling in front of the camera, arms outstretched): We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! We SUCK!

(W&G return to their chairs and high-five each other)

GARTH: Party on, Wayne!

WAYNE: Party on, Garth!

WAYNE: Today our guest on Wayne’s World will be John Bolton, the former Bush Administration appointee to be the United States’ ambassador to the UN.

(Camera cuts to show John Bolton in seat next to Wayne)

WAYNE:  Most sane humans would applaud the excellent results of the Bush Administration’s decision, some months previous, to can the belligerent pose against North Korea and actually try some, y’know, real diplomacy.  What do you have to say about it, Mr. Bolton?

BOLTON:  It’s shameful.  

WAYNE:  Whoah!

GARTH:  Harsh!

WAYNE:  Now why would you say that, Mr. Bolton?

BOLTON: This represents the final collapse of Bush’s foreign policy.

WAYNE:  Well…. okay then. (pause)  WAYNE:  In the eight years he’s been in office, he’s mostly done things your way with regard to foreign policy — and now Iraq is in shambles with over a million dead and five million displaced out of a pre-invasion population of 27 million, gas in the US went from around $1.70 a gallon to over $4.00 a gallon, our economy is teetering from the debt you’ve loaded onto it from the war and from the tax cuts for the rich, and the rest of the world hates our guts.   Maybe the collapse of that foreign policy is a good thing?

GARTH:  Exactamundo!

BOLTON:  They’ve now gained political and economic legitimacy!

(Wayne and Garth look at each other with puzzled expressions)

WAYNE:  So?

BOLTON (mustache trembling): They’re endangering our precious bodily fluids!

(Wayne nods to Garth)

BOLTON (mustache really trembling):  I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration –

(Garth pulls a baseball bat out from behind his chair and hands it to Wayne)

BOLTON (mustache vibrating so fast it’s starting to lift Bolton from his chair): — Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify –

 (Wayne hits Bolton on the noggin with the bat; Bolton slumps back into chair, mustache still vibrating)

WAYNE: Warmongeringdoorknobsaywhat?

BOLTON (groggily) What?

WAYNE: Thank you.   (to the audience)  Well, that’s about it for another excellent edition of Wayne’s World.   Keep on rockin’ out there and remember not to start any wars of choice, okay?

GARTH:  Party on, Wayne!

WAYNE: Party on, Garth!

WAYNE AND GARTH: Party on, everybody! Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!

BOLTON: …precious bodily fluids…

WAYNE AND GARTH:   Eeeewwwwww!

(fade out)

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