Wank You Very Much

Photo by minusbaby

Don’t know why, but there was an awful lot of wankery today – even more than usual.  But hey, when life hands you wankers, make wankerade!  So, without further ado, let the wank-off begin!  Vote for your favorite in the comments!

Our first contestant is  Darth Broder’s Padawan apprentice, Richard Cohen, explaining why we all trust Straight-Talker McMaverick so much more than Sneakybeak O’Bama:

McCain is a known commodity. It’s not just that he’s been around a long time and staked out positions antithetical to those of his Republican base. It’s also — and more important — that we know his bottom line. As his North Vietnamese captors found out, there is only so far he will go, and then his pride or his sense of honor takes over. This — not just his candor and nonstop verbosity on the Straight Talk Express — is what commends him to so many journalists.

Wow.  That is some choice wanking right there.  He fluffs McCain’s honor and principles and POW history all in one sentence.  Cohen also claims that Obama has never gone against his base, which makes me wonder where he’s been the last few days.

Next up: Bobo Brooks explains why it’s actually a good thing that our president is a psychotic asshole:

Every personal trait that led Bush to make a hash of the first years of the war led him to make a successful decision when it came to this crucial call.

Bush is a stubborn man. Well, without that stubbornness, that unwillingness to accept defeat on his watch, he never would have bucked the opposition to the surge.

(…)

Bush is also a secretive man who listens too much to Dick Cheney. Well, the uncomfortable fact is that Cheney played an essential role in promoting the surge. Many of the people who are dubbed bad guys actually got this one right.

Brooks then goes on to tell us what an awesome brilliant success Teh Surge is – so successful that "Iraq has moved from being a failed state to… merely a fragile one."  Hooray Surge!  Hooray Dubya!

Next up, Speaker Of The House Nancy Pelosi laments events totally beyond her control:

“It would be healthy if (the public) heard more about it… even if the resolution is the same,” Pelosi said, when asked by reporters whether she thinks Senate Democrats… should filibuster [the FISA "compromise"].

It’s too bad she doesn’t have any influence over what goes on in the House, like whether or not representatives get more than 24 hours to read and debate a large and complex bill with potentially huge impacts on our civil liberties.

And here’s her BFF Steny, also talking about FISA:

The American people, they want us to get this done. That’s the whole thing to me.

Hell, let’s just nominate the House’s entire Democratic pro-immunity caucus:

House Democrats who flipped their votes to support retroactive immunity for telecom companies in last week’s FISA bill took thousands of dollars more from phone companies than Democrats who consistently voted against legislation with an immunity provision, according to an analysis by MAPLight.org. 

(…)

The members who voted yes on June 20 received, on average, $9,659 from the big three phone companies while those who opposed the bill received an average of $4,810, MAPLight found.

You will not be surprised to hear that Steny, Rahm, and Nancy placed 2nd, 3rd, and 7th on the list of telecom $$$ recipients, but you may be surprised to learn that each one of them sold out the Constitution – and protected the telecoms from (at least) millions of dollars in losses – for less than $30,000 apiece.  Jeez, Steny should’ve said something if he needed cash – ActBlue could’ve matched that in a couple of hours.

And of course, no list of wankers would be complete without our clueless leader, meeting with Philippines President Arroyo to talk about the typhoon which killed 800 ferry passengers last Saturday:

First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that — in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans…. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.

Oh. My. God.  Please tell me he didn’t just tell the grieving President of the Philippines that her people make excellent servants.  I weep.

Honorable Mention: Arlen Specter, for eloquently explaining the problems with the FISA "compromise" bill… and then saying he intends to vote for it anyway.  I think he has a patent on that move.