john-mccain.jpgIt's tough out there on the campaign trail. So many reporters, so many diner stops, so many obnoxiously cute babies to kiss and Middle American clammy hands to shake, and all on so little sleep. It's easy to see how a candidate could jack his or her own shit up just by uttering one of the seven phrases that are the verbal equivalent of a seppuku blade in the solar plexus of the campaign. To wit:

1. "My voting record shows..." When your voting attendance record makes Ferris Bueller look like Tracy Flick (Google it, people), it's probably not the attribute you want to highlight in your stump speeches. Under 50% = F. Just sayin'.

2. "Public campaign financing." To clarify: Public financing is like virginity - either you are or you're not. Best to take a step back, try to remember what you did that night you got so wasted that you woke up naked in a dumpster behind the Applebee's in downtown Phoenix, and proceed accordingly.

3. "It Doesn't Matter." When your entire political career rests on the fact that you were shot down over Hanoi during the war, you really have to learn how to play to the special interests in the audience. So if someone asks you whether you've got a timetable for a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, don't go for the flip response with an irritable flick of your wrist. Sure, it's easy to play up the whole "mavericky" edge bestowed upon you by the media, but you're more likely to get smacked down so hard by veteran's rights groups that you'll wind up looking like a fly that's just impacted a windshield at approximately 100 mph.

4. "Shi'a . . . no, wait! Sunni!" As effective as a spoonful of Colon Blow™ to your reputation as a foreign policy "expert." Yes, there are 6,912 languages spoken throughout the world, but as a presumptive nominee for the leader of the free world, you don't have to learn them all. You should, however, be familiar with the names of the major religious sects of Islam and which "terrorist" states adhere to which, especially if you're campaigning to stay in Iraq for another 100 years. Remember: just because those people all wear keffiyehs doesn't mean that they are all believers in the same religion. I mean, look at Rachel Ray, fer crissakes. Does she look all Arabish to you?

5. "I'll cut taxes." No, no you won't. In this economic environment, unless you're talking about cutting the taxes of the middle class, you'd be more likely to get frottaged by a giant blue hamster on crack than get another tax cut for the wealthiest past the American public.

6. "I hate gooks." Really not such a good idea to alienate the minorities, especially those slanty-eyed, inscrutable ones, dude! Y'know, the ones that gave us ninjas and pajamas as daywear and shit! Yes, okay, the North Vietnamese held you captive and tortured you, but isn't forty years a long time to hold a grudge? Let it go, man. Let it go.

7. "You c*nt." Yeah, sure, it's a slang expression in Scotland that covers everything from your best friend's asshole of a father to a plate of warmed over haggis, but in the United States, it could mean the death of your campaign, especially if it's directed at your slush fund of a wife. Then again, if you've got the media in your pocket, you can probably call each and every reporter a "c*nt" repeatedly, so long as you keep slapping the barbecued baby back ribs and potato salad on their plates.

Just bear it in mind.