Dashboard McCain

Via McJoan, the latest attempt to deify St. John McCain:

Columbus — Georgia Republican Party chairwoman Sue Everhart said Saturday that the party's presumed presidential nominee has a lot in common with Jesus Christ.

"John McCain is kind of like Jesus Christ on the cross," Everhart said as she began the second day of the state GOP convention. "He never denounced God, either."

Everhart was praising McCain for never denouncing the United States while he was being tortured as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

"I'm not trying to compare John McCain to Jesus Christ, I'm looking at the pain that was there," she said.

Let us pray.

We look to Chapter 7, Verse 23, of the Book of Lieberman, in which it is written:

"Woe unto the man of little intellectual or physical distinction who should be beset by tribulations, wherein he layeth in shackles for a number of years not exceeding five, the number of God, and who hath not a father of great import nor a trollop of limitless wealth by his side, for that man shall never gain a seat in the Congress of Heaven."

My fellow congregants, we gather here today to sing the praises of John McCain so that he may ascend to his rightful place in our nation's history. The sacrifices he has made! The pain he has endured! No one short of the Son of God has been put through such trials as John McCain has. No one is more deserving of virtual beatitude than John McCain.

Now I know what you're thinking, my friends. What about John's notoriously short temper, his roving eye for the ladies, the way he figuratively pushed his wheelchair-bound first wife off a cliff, the eight homes bought and paid for by his second wife, using his father-in-law's connections to get ahead? What about his lazy intellect, his involvement in the Keating Five scandal, alleged trysts with lobbyist Vicki Iseman and the corporate jets? What about his failure to obey the campaign finance laws and his constant flip-flopping on matters important to our country's security, its economy, its stature in the world?

Yes, yes, yes, John may have committed all seven cardinal sins, but it was all in service of the country, don't you see? This is the man who turned the other cheek, who physically embraced George Bush, the very man who slandered his brown daughter in 2000. John is the man who now embodies all the ideals of his own political party and yet can claim so much more! How much more omnipresent can one man be without actually being God himself? No, I'm not saying that John McCain is Christ, I'm saying he's like Christ. We should all look within ourselves and find the strength to embrace McCain's shortcomings and see that we, too, are perfect in our imperfections.

We now bow our heads for a moment of silent reflection before we break for lunch, which I understand is going to be another smorgasbord of Cindy's excellent recipes. I also want to thank Brother Russert for opening his home here on Martha's Vineyard to us.

Brother Scarborough and Sister Cokie will be passing the collection plates around, and I urge you to be especially generous. Let's work hard to make sure that John isn't crucified in November.

original photo: kellypuffs