This is big. Very big. We should all be afraid, very afraid. I know I am.

And I think it goes all the way to the top.

Let me explain.

For the past several months I’ve been heading up an in-depth FDL investigation of the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain. Way back in December, we here at FDL started to hear disturbingly consistent rumors from several of our highly-placed sources, startling and troubling information to the effect that McCain now has — and has had for years — uncomfortably close ties to an organization and individuals who have had the intent and the means to carry out an unnerving, even deadly, anti-American agenda. I do not wish to alarm anyone. But it is no less than the simple, raw truth that if our sources were correct, this organization, and these individuals, have already caused our people grievous, even deadly harm both at home and abroad, and it is their intention to wreak further destruction upon our democracy in the future.

And they have selected John McCain as their chosen vessel to execute their insidious plans.

We are fairly confident we have most of the puzzle pieces in place to blow this conspiracy sky-high. But one little corner piece with a bit of the sky on it eludes us. Maybe it dropped behind the couch. We sincerely need your help to nail this one down. Please read on.

Most shocking was the revelation that contrary to his public image as a patriotic and incorruptible defender of American ideals, a man of the highest integrity, McCain was no mere dupe, a guileless soul led astray by his honorable instincts. No. We were told that instead, John McCain was a conscious party to this dark betrayal, a man who eagerly and even desperately seized this chance to amass power for himself, to feed his own insatiable ego, his lust for the spotlight, and the consequences for the American people be damned.

Let me be crystal clear. This goes far beyond the scandal over how McCain’s lobbyists have gotten paid to make horrible dictatorships look cuddly, or McCain’s well-known ties to dangerous radical clerics. It’s far, far worse.

Our investigation has revealed that the shadowy extremist group with which McCain has entangled himself is guilty of the following offenses, and that he means to carry on their repulsive work. Here is just a brief list of their abominable crimes:

* The deaths of over 4,000 brave men and women in our armed forces, and many thousands more injured and maimed, all for a militarily inexcusable act of dishonest folly propelled by a deluded political extremism.

* The deaths of maybe a million men, women, and even children abroad, all in the name of crazed ideological obsessions, which in the worst instances involved obscene profiteering on the part of greedy corporations, profiteering enabled by unimaginable human suffering.

* The deliberate destruction of the American economy, partly enabled by the absurd overinvestment in foolish military adventurism that serves no ends but those of Al Qaeda.

* The deliberate evisceration of the Constitution of the United States of America, the imposition of a regime of stomach-turning torture, the pissing on habeas corpus, and the wholesale and unchecked declaration of the right to spy on American citizens.

* The trashing of America’s reputation as a place where the values of freedom and peace are not given lip service, but embodied and exemplified.

Horrific, even nightmarish stuff. But here’s where we need your help. We know that there is some ringleader, some shadowy figure behind the scenes, who is yet the public face of this depraved anti-Americanism, and we also know, through our painstaking research, that McCain would do anything in his power to keep the American people from learning that this figure and McCain are intimate allies, pusuing together a nightmarish plot to destroy our homeland.

But we just can’t figure out who this sinister shadowy evildoer might be.

If you have any ideas, we’d love to see them. A picture of them, like, hugging, would also be cool, but of course I’m just fantasizing. Photographic evidence like that which proves your case is nothing more than a conspiracy theorist’s wacky dream.

And while of course this is all trivial stuff next to that Rev Wright shit, it still is kinda interesting nevertheless.

Related posts:

  1. Late Night: Crouching Bunny, Hidden Conspiracy
  2. Late Night: “Does This AR-15 Assault Rifle Make My Ass Look Fat?”
  3. Late Night: GOP Says They’re Sorry for Misuse of Artists’ Songs
  4. Late Night: Wingnuts Warn: If Grandma Suddenly Sprouts a Schlong, Blame Obama
  5. Late Night: Now Playing at the Republican Googleplex…