AP/Haraz Ganbari

From "Good Morning, America," via Best of Both Worlds:

Q: Jenna did not want to get married here at the White House, wants to get married at the ranch in Crawford. So what have you done to make it special there? I know that it’s always special at the ranch, but for this wedding?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, one thing we did — I’ll let Laura — she’s been in charge, but my one contribution is to — we put a giant cross made out of Texas limestone that will serve as the altar, but also serve as a landmark on our place for years to come. . . . That’s where she’s going to get married, right in front of this Texas limestone altar with a cross on it — by our lake.

That’s right, my fellow happy hour barflies, Jenna’s big day is this coming Saturday. I’ve got my invite, I’m packing my inappropriately short black dress, and I’m Waco-bound. I’ve even been practicing downing Bartles & James shooters.

I’ll be among the 200 guests witnessing two royal houses consolidating their power — Jenna Bush of the House D’Arbusto will marry Henry Hager, son of the begoitered John H. Hager, current Virginia Republican Party chairman, former Bush administration Assistant Secretary of the DOE’s Office of Special Education and Rehabilitation Services, and erstwhile Lieutenant Governor of Virginia. As we all know by now, the young, Clorox white, über-wealthy scion-in-waiting was one of Karl Rove’s minions before Rove fled to the wilderness of Newsweek. Now that’s Republican hegemony, bitches!

I’m really looking forward to seeing how big this party George and Laura are throwing for their professionally rehabilitated daughter will be. I mean, erecting a limestone cross so big that those Russian dudes in the International Space Station can see it? Now that’s classy! I wonder if it’s going to be draped with those icicle lights. I did hear through the grapevine that the altar will be up on cinder blocks, in keeping with the "trailer trash chic" that the Bushes are famous for.

Jenna, who had the good sense not to have the wedding at the White House, will undoubtedly be resplendent in her white Oscar de la Renta gown as she is led down the aisle by her drug-addled, megalomaniacal, dictator father who had to be cautioned several times by the staff not to wipe his eyeglasses on her train.

In keeping with the casual, low-key tone of the celebration, Jenna’s bridal party will consist of a meager fourteen bridesmaids decked out in "fashion forward" chiffon dresses in blues and yellows. Personally, I wouldn’t wear chiffon to a kegger, but it’s not my party. At least the floral pattern will hide the beer stains and vomit. Still no word on Laura’s mother-of-the-bride dress, but you can bet your favorite Nolan Miller "Dynasty" Collection™ shoulderpads that it’s going to be iridescent with a drop waist.

It says here on the invitation that after dinner (I requested the fried cheesedog with tater tots), guests will each receive a stuffed and mounted bigmouth bass that Bush personally caught by dynamiting his man-made "lake." I wonder whether I can put that in my carry-on. Oh, and I’m looking forward to the "Camptown Races" singalong with Grammy Bar. I sure hope she doesn’t find out that I’m Jewish.

I’ll try to catch the bouquet for y’all, but I may be too busy getting shitfaced doing beer bongs with NotJenna.

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