I confess: when I read Roy Edroso's "Guide to the Right-Wing Blogosphere" in the Village Voice, I... laughed. I thought it was funny.

But that was before I considered the dire, terrible consequences of making fun of people like Glenn Reynolds, Ann Althouse, and Charles Johnson. For while these cretins are all congenitally dishonest amoral sociopaths, we must remember that they are also America's Sweethearts, beloved of the simple, pious folk of the American Heartland, the common clay of the New West. As noted Internets genius Armed Liberal has showed us, Edroso's "smug," "cranky," "yuppie," "urban intellectual" elitism will inevitably cost the Democrats the White House in November. This is incontrovertible. Once the Plain People of America catch wind that some commie wiseacre thinks John Hinderaker is kind of a tool, the jig is up. What makes it worse is that Edroso published his hateful stuff in the Village Voice, which, through extensive research, I have discovered is published in New York City (gasp!) and thus not actually in America as it is properly understood. Either Edroso doesn't know or doesn't care that ordinary Americans quite rightly despise New York City given that its inhabitants are all obnoxious deviants who despise ordinary Americans and stubbornly refuse to learn the true meaning of 9/11.

Balance must be restored. We must atone. For this reason, we hereby present The Official FDL Election Season Guide to the Left-Wing Traitorsphere, wherein we attempt to compensate for any yuppie elitism by savaging people who are in our side by pointing out how they are disgusting traitors who hate patriotism, love terrorists, fuck puppies (of the same gender), and blindly persist in the frankly evil belief that opposing a wildly unpopular fuckup of a war is somehow "good politics." Because if we fail to relentlessly live up to the caricatures of ourselves that GOP strategists use to beat us at the polls, how can we ever hope to beat the GOP at the polls? Riddle me that, Snoop Lefty Snob! HA! Hark to my cold, inexorable logic!

NOTES. (1) Bloggers are rated according to a "Traitor/Uncivil" ratio, because the most defining characteristics of liberal bloggers are that they are always going around acting like total traitors, and are also obsessed with insulting anyone who disagrees with them and calling them names bedause they are so stupid and immature they have to resort to ad hominem argument like a bunch of ignorant jerks who don't understand the lofty rules of high school debate clubs.

(2) The pictures below were done by me in a spirit of Rugged Individualism. Be aware that if you point out that they are "incompetent" or "look like they were drawn by a half-blind bonobo with the DTs" that only reveals the depths of your contempt for the Baby Jesus.

edroso.jpgROY EDROSO (Alicublog)

ORIENTATION: Soi-disant "Urban Intellectual"

PROBABLE TATTOO: "Born to Sneer"

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: 20/80

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: We know he is a total Yuppie because his living space is that of a total Yuppie: only elitist Yuppies drink beer delicately flavored with the great taste of Raid. Also apparently uses "Fantastik with Bleach," the functional "highbrow" equivalent of a double latte with goat milk skim and flayed peasant prepuce. Used to be in a "rock band" with a very naughty name. Fails to appreciate the joys of the Singularity and as a result will probably spend eternity with head cryogenically preserved in jar filled with Fantastik with Bleach. Serves him right. Too lazy to draw his own stupid cartoons for snarky articles in effete liberal publications, preferring instead to suck on firm yet soft and alluring cartoon government teat.

atrios.jpgATRIOS (Eschaton; Media Matters)

ORIENTATION: Pottymouth

PROBABLE TATTOO: Heart emblazoned with legend "Mother Is a Wanker"

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: 100/900

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: Hates you. Got into blogging to get laid and get paid, not even necessarily in that order. Pretends that real name is "Duncan Black" when it's commonly known real name is "Duncan Hack." Says he got degree at Ivy League school but never says he got degree from one of the suckier Ivy League schools. Real blog name not even "Atrios" -- as the conservative Jawa Report discovered, real blog name is in fact "Gaytrios," puckish humor that continues to be incredibly amusing more than three years later! Personally led hordes of drunken hippies on assault on treasured patriotic Philadelphia landmarks; crack in Liberty Bell widened by repeated whacking with stolen dildo. Wanker.

lgm.jpgLAWYERS, GUNS, & MONEY (Lawyers, Guns, & Money)

ORIENTATION: Canadio-fascism

PROBABLE TATTOO: Discreetly positioned tender portrait of shyly blushing Ann Althouse

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: 50/50

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: Lawyers, Guns, & Money used to be a great blog. But then it was found out that none of the regular bloggers was a lawyer -- after that, intrepid researchers rapidly discovered that, similarly, nobody on the blog was a gun, or a money. LG&M began to suck. A great blog was ruined forever. Next they added a guy who lives in Alaska, and he totally wrecked the place through his deliberate confusion of phalluses and consonants. After that, it all started to go downhill when a woman blogger came aboard and she started to talk about woman stuff: a once fantastic blog turned into a trainwreck. It was dead forever. Finally, a stake was driven into the blog's heart when one of its best known bloggers began to piss on of the Air Force, revealing the blog's total lack of seriousness and irreparably shredding LG&M's reputation. Everyone who is serious now concedes that LG&M could still return to its glory days if only the people who post there would just stop posting there. Sad, really. Just... sad.

markos.jpgKOS (Daily Kos)

ORIENTATION: Ming the Merciless, only kinda cute & cuddly, you just wanna pick him up and give him a big giant hug AWWW

PROBABLE TATTOO. Care Bear, horribly befanged, claws dripping with human gore

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: Captain the instruments they canna handle it!

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: Singlehandedly destroyed America. Notorious for backing candidates and filling their coffers with small money donations, and who then go down to defeat, except for the ones in 2006, who don't count because that year was a whoopsie-backsie, so he remains a total looser. Rules entire Liberal Blogosphere with Iron Fist, except Iron Fist can never get time off from Red Lobster, so the Liberal Blogosphere tends to not always pay attention to his Edicts. Has fourteen names that rotate in order of being his last name solely so he can fuck with MSM reporters. This man's perfidy knows no bounds.

amandam.jpgAMANDA MARCOTTE (Pandagon, probably some degenerate porn stuff)

ORIENTATION: Wouldn't you like to know

PROBABLE TATTOO: Entire back -- grim representation of gynocratic hellscape

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: Does it even matter when you're under immediate threat of castration? HUH?

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: Mention the name "Amanda Marcotte" and instantly a troll appears to explain her utter, irredeemable, innate evil -- try it, like, the next time you're on the bus or in the shower or burning a flag or otherwise going about your normal routine. It's like "Beetlejuice," but you only need to say it once and it's a lot stupider. See you in the comments, and you know who you are!

hamsher.jpgJANE HAMSHER (Fire Dog Lake)

ORIENTATION: Hollyweird

PROBABLE TATTOO: Prada heel stomping on human face, forever

TRAITOR/UNCIVIL RATIO: 90/90

MODUS SUCK-A-RANDI: Inexcusably mean to poor Joe Lieberman: honestly, just because a sad little pathetic-jowled puppy pees in your closet and repeatedly sinks his grimy yellow teeth into your ankle, is that any reason to think he might not be a great Senator? Pretends to be fashionable, but is way retro on cutting-edge trends in Constitution-interpretation and torture reframing. Dork. Has been known to make highly questionable decisions as to the mental patients she allows to post at her blog, particularly on Saturday nights, hinting as to substance abuse or thinly disguised Trotskyism.