Michelle "not tasteful enough for Fox News" Malkin is really upset because when faced with the spectacular culinary wonders of the Reading Terminal Market in Philadelphia (full disclosure: I was there last week during Eschacon. Me: hoagie. The rest of the party: reubens (which were invented in midtown Manhattan). Dude, sheep ricotta salata and salumerias thick on the ground. They had to drag me out) Obama chose to eat fancy ham instead of a cheesesteak.

I’m flying out of Harrisburg, PA this morning, but I just had to pop in as a Philly-born girl to say my peace about Barack Obama dissing the cheesesteak.

Yes. Dissing the cheesesteak. Yo. What is he thinking?

The Messiah has already been brought down a notch here in PA by his pathetic bowling score. He can’t really afford more public relations hits to his Everyman credentials, such as they are. But it appears he didn’t want to risk a boneheaded John Kerry moment with the Philly cheesesteak.

Note: anyone who wants to read Ms. Malkin in the original knows where Google is. My own personal version of blog kosher forbids me to link to swine.

Anyway. Everyman feels really, really strongly about eating cheesesteaks. As a matter of fact, Everyman is every bit as offended by non-cheesesteak-eating as he is by onion breath.

Which, come to think of it, sorta makes you wonder what benighted culture Everyman is descended from if he's too worried about his breath to eat onions.

Also, dude, dis? 1979 wants its culturally appropriated street talk back.

Anyway. Leaving that aside.

As it turns out, we know what ordinary people eat, because Republicans are extremely ordinary people. Particulary, Ms. Malkin reminds us, the very ordinary Rep. Boehner.In addition to all the latest campaign stuff, we are scheduled to talk about Nancy Pelosi’s congressional cafeteria makeover, which went into effect this week. Via Fox News:

“I like the food we had before,” House Minority Leader John Boehner said Wednesday morning. “I like real food, food we can pronounce the name of.”

We’ve gone from Freedom Fries to Commie couscous!

So let's explore what food Rep. Boehner feels comfortable with.

Members of Congress returning to the Capitol this week are being confronted by transformational happenings that have shaken the building to its foundations: Democrats have hired a new company to run cafeteria services. Naturally, this has caused an outbreak of partisan skirmishing.

"I like real food," proclaimed Republican leader John Boehner when asked about the new menu by a producer for another cable news outfit. "Food that I can pronounce the name of."

Boehner is now forced to wrap his lips around such phrases as "broccoli rabe and shaved persimmon," "balsamic glazed butternut squash," and "calico pinto beans"...all on this afternoon's menu, along with the downright patriotic "American Regional Yankee Pot Roast," which, even Boehner would have to admit, kind of rolls right off the tongue. On Fridays, there is a real sushi bar tended by a bona fide Japanese sushi chef. Gone are such grade-school cafeteria specialties as Salisbury steak and fried chicken, slathered in gravy and served with a side of chips.

Damn. Them is some tongue-tying food items right there. I guess Restaurant Associates, the "new company," isn't used to dealing with the unsophisticated palates of millionaire congressmen and the young lawyers who serve them. Most of their experience has been with running the fine dining establishments in such upscale venues as the Smithsonian museums, the Brooklyn Museum, the Liberty Science Center and that epicurian mecca the Leaping Frog Cafe at the Central Park Zoo. Oh, and the cafeterias at my dorm. They told me in the office once that the food they served us was much nicer than the food they served in the prison facilities they provided foodservice for.

Better they had done some field work and found out what kind of spare, austere food Republican lawmakers like to be fed for lunch. In the case of Mr. Boehner, it wouldn't have been too difficult. We have it from Mr. Abramoff that he was a regular lunch guest at Signatures (along with a number of other Republican officeholders who were comped for their meals by Mr. Abramoff).

This is some of the stuff Mr. Boehner's linguistic restrictions will allow him to order. Just, you know, for future reference. I'm guessing he pointed at the balsamic stuff.

from the Lunch menu:

Grilled Camembert Sandwiches $8
Caramelized Apple-Cinnamon Chutney, Arugula and Balsamic Reduction

Atlantic Salmon and Cream Cheese Spring Roll $10
Trio of Grilled Mango, Mint-Tomatillo and Spicy Ponzu Sauces

Silky Chestnut and Parmesan Rind Bisque $7
Caramelized Apples, Green Onion Crème Fraiche

Signatures Salad $7
Organic Greens, Shallot Crisps, Pepper-Seared Goat Cheese Crumbles, Pear Tomatoes and Herbed Balsamic Vinaigrette

Grilled Tuna Steak Nicoise $16
Shaved Fennel, Haricot Verts, Hard Boiled Eggs, Peruvian Potatoes, Calamata Olives, Arugula and White Anchovy Fillets in a Dijon-Caper Vinaigrette

Free Range Chicken Confit Salad $14
Silky Cauliflower Puree, Sautéed Carrots and Leeks, Frisee, Caramelized Apple Vinaigrette

Fresh Herb Pappardelle Pasta $14
Soft White Beans, Oven Dried Tomatoes, Fresh California Spinach, White Truffle Oil and Melted Buffalo Mozzarella

Grilled NY Strip Steak $22
Roasted Root Vegetable-Portobello Ragout, Maple-Mushroom Demi

from the Dinner menu:

Seared Foie Gras Pillow $15
Pan-Seared Hudson Valley Foie Gras with Caramelized Shallots, Apple-Endive Slaw and Yuzu syrup

Carpaccio of Seared Kobe Beef $15
Dried Onion Coated Kobe Beef with Curried Fries, Baby Arugula Bouquet and Sweet Pepper-Molasses Vinaigrette

Flash-Seared, Malaysian Curry-Crusted Ahi Tuna $28
Forbidden Rice-Radicchio Risotto, Carrot Pickle and Fermented Lemongrass Sauce

Caramelized Maine Lobster Market Price
Basted with Madagascar Vanilla, Truffled Tapioca Risotto, Fennel Confit and Olive Oil Foam

Pan-Roasted Cashew-Crusted Chicken Breast $24
Pounded Sweet Plantain Mashed Potatoes, Sautéed Spinach and Wild Melon-Seed Harissa

Pan-Seared, Barn-Raised Muscovy Duck Breast $32
Honey-Lavender Brushed with Foie Gras and Date Fritters,Apple-Walnut Salad and Caramelized Kumquat Sauce

Root Vegetable and Mushroom Pot Pie $21
Grilled Rice Paper Crust and Fried Leeks, Roasted Carrot Broth with Essence of White Truffles

Kabocha Squash Risotto $22
Melted Goat Cheese, Arugula and Glazed Cipollini Onions

and then there was the humble sushi (which was prepared at tableside for Mr. Abramoff and his guests)

Jeff Ramsey, who has competed here and who in April entered the original sushi competition in New York, has developed a number of creative sushi recipes for Signatures restaurant, dishes that reflect both the high-visual style of star chef Nobu (Nobuyuki Matsuhisa) and the deconstructed-food movement associated with new-Catalan cult hero Ferran Adria.

There were truffles (in two separate items), kobe beef and brioche on the breakfast menu; the bar menu featured kobe beef, mignonette oysters and the expected balsamic vinegar (Boehner must have been practically struck dumb in this place); while the dessert menu featured one item prepared with both balsamic vinegar and truffles.

Of course, in fairness I should point out that if a friendly lobbyist is paying for it, all of this is far more frugal fare than Salisbury steak you have to buy yourself.

I'm glad I'm not everyman. I couldn't begin to afford it.