Flashback to Dubya’s triumphant first State Of The Union. He was so hopeful and positive back then.
I’m sure you all saw this evening’s SOTU address, and you all probably have a better idea of the actual state of the union than Bush does, so I won’t bother with a recap. However, through judicious application of alcohol, dramamine and my masculine wiles, I was able to obtain the top secret first draft of tonight’s address, which is significantly different from the one that pre-empted Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I will now share with you some excerpts and highlights:
- "The American economy is strong, especially when compared with the Great Depression, but it needs a well-placed firecracker to really set it off. After reading a lot of books, I now believe that we must convert the United States to a 100% jello-based economy by the year 2013. It will take hard work and sacrifice, but I know America is up to the challenge. To lead this vital effort, I am proud to present Bill Cosby as the first African-American to ever serve as Secretary Of Jello. It is a great honor for him and for me – please give us a warm round of applause."
- Bush presents three-point plan to eliminate dependency on foreign oil. Point 1 is to crack down on the sale of steroids and HGH, freeing them up for the creation of "Barry Bonds Switchgrass." Point 2 is that someone told him cold fusion was close to a breakthrough. There is no Point 3.
- Bush warns America that he has seen documentary evidence that Mars has deadly WMD in the form of pods, tripods, and perhaps iPods ("Some say that those were just movies, but there’s no proof that Mars does not want to invade America – I will not stand by as danger-related program activities possibly gather"). He announces that Operation: Mars, Bitches! will be accelerated so that we can nuke the Martians before they nuke us. We will also send troops, equipped with windbreakers and snorkels to combat the harsh atmospheric conditions.
- Bush reiterates the importance of enhanced surveillance capabilities to allow adequate enforcement of the underwear-must-be-changed-every-half-hour law introduced in his first SOTU (see video).
- Bush clarifies why we need telecom immunity: "It’s just like when you get your shots at the doctor, see. You don’t want the telecoms to get sick, do you? You and your children are putting that phone up against your faces every day. You want that phone to be healthy, but some people want your family to catch diseases from it and die horrible painful deaths."
In other words, more of the same.