AP/Tina Fineberg

I interviewed most of the Republican candidates and they were really quite forthcoming with their New Year’s resolutions.

Suckahs.

Rudy Giuliani:

1. Smile more.
2. Supplement speaking income with ad space on teeth.
3. Trademark "9/11".

Mike Huckabee:

1. No more negative attack ads! Only positive attack ads!
2. Dye sideburns gray.
3. Find undisputable proof that Jesus rode a dinosaur.

Fred Thompson:

1. Remember my own name without prompting.
2. Stop referring to Jeri as "my script girl".
3. Make an effort to . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . . .

Mitt Romney:

1. Be more glib.
2. Fire Tagg for the "Seamus" story.
3. Have Ann followed – there has to be more to that whole "dressage" story she sold to the Times.

Duncan Hunter:

1. Build a bigger fence on my property.
2. Eradicate all illegal aliens. . . except those working on my house.
3. Get the media to notice me.

Ron Paul:

1. WHO the hell NEEDS resolutions?
2. SCREW you! I’m a real libertarian!
3. I’m crazy? I’M CRAZY?

John McCain:

1. Spend more quality time with Joe Lieberman.
2. Figure out the rest of the lyrics to "Bomb, Bomb Iran".
3. Cast at least one vote in the Senate.

A very happy and healthy New Year to all of the readers at Firedoglake. May we see great and positive changes in the direction of the world in 2008.