Baggage

Photo by Bethany L King

Now that Mike Huckabee is the Republican Flavor Of The Month, let’s see how all that extra attention is working out for him. I’ll just pull out some items I’ve read over the past coupla days, selected completely at random, and not with any kind of preconceived objective like, say, portraying the Huckster as a completely unsuitable presidential candidate… even for the Republicans.

First off, we have Mother Jones mining quote gold from Huckabee’s 1998 book "Kids Who Kill" (Awesome title, dude! It’s like that Dr. Phil special where he told the parents their kid had 9 of the 14 characteristics of a serial killer!):

Abortion, environmentalism, AIDS, pornography, drug abuse, and homosexual activism have fragmented and polarized our communities.

Yes, we must stamp out environmentalism before it tears society apart. But that’s not all:

It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia.

Now, apparently some people interpreted that to mean that Huckabee equates homosexuality with necrophilia, but that is clearly untrue. As Huck’s spokesman pointed out, he was referring to a spectrum of behavior, one that homosexuality and necrophilia are on opposite ends of. No, Huckabee was obviously comparing homosexuality to pedophilia. Necrophilia he compares to S&M. So I’m glad I could help clear that up.

There’s lots more, and it just gets crazier and crazier as Huckabee rants about "radical ideological secularism" (I’m not sure exactly what that is, but I imagine it’s what Jonah Goldberg would call "fascism") and its love for "pornographers, gay activists, abortionists, and other professional liberationists." Not exactly Mr. Warm & Fuzzy Christmas Guy. Or… coherent.

Granted, they’re all radical ideological secularists over at Mother Jones – so what do those red-blooded American patriots on the right have to say about Huck? Surely they all love his unapologetic Christianity and Dubya-folksy charm, right?

K-Lo, National Review: "…a big-government tax-hiker who loses economic conservatives and those turned off by Jesus-and-Lucifer-were-brothers talk."

Stephen Hayes, Weekly Standard: "…sounded more like Dennis Kucinich than Dick Cheney [on foreign policy]…."

Rich Lowry, NRO again: "…an under-vetted former governor who is manifestly unprepared to be president of the United States."

Ron Paul, quoting Upton Sinclair Lewis: "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross."

Yikes. Still, at least he’s a good, moral family man. I mean, look what a great job he did raising his two sons, David:

One issue likely to get attention is his handling of… allegations that one of his sons was involved in the hanging of a stray dog at a Boy Scout camp in 1998…. [I guess "Kids Who Kill" was based on personal experience] John Bailey, then the director of Arkansas’s state police, tells NEWSWEEK that Governor Huckabee’s chief of staff and personal lawyer both leaned on him to write a letter officially denying the local prosecutor’s request [for help with the investigation]. Bailey… said he viewed the lawyer’s intervention as improper and terminated the conversation. Seven months later, he was called into Huckabee’s office and fired. "I’ve lost confidence in your ability to do your job," Bailey says Huckabee told him. One reason Huckabee cited was "I couldn’t get you to help me with my son when I had that problem," according to Bailey.

…And John Mark:

John Mark [Huckabee] had the biggest porn magazine collection on campus and used to delight his nerd-friends by reading aloud Penthouse Letters he composed and submitted for publication….

Really, all this freak show’s missing is a fetus in a jar. But the campaign is still young…

(Pile o’ hat tips: Blue Texan, Street Prophets, Jane, Paul Vitello, The Cliff Schecter Experience)

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