If you, like many people, are dreading those inevitable shouting matches around the holiday table with your Republican relatives, Jezebel has some helpful rules for ensuring a peaceful, non-screaming Thanksgiving for you and yours.
I used to joke that the only two topics I could discuss when I went home to visit my evangelical Republican family were “the weather and food.” I guess I didn’t give enough thanks for our intact ice caps, because ever since Global Warming came along I’ve lost “weather” as an option. So how are those of us with family members who get their news from Hannity and the O’Reilly supposed to fill the silences without resorting to an ill-advised “meaningful discussion” destined to end in tears, slammed doors, and most tragically, the potential forfeiture of six varieties of pie? Here are five topics that, if you follow the rules, are guaranteed to lead to the blandest, least provocative family dinner conversation possible. (You’ll notice sports are absent from this list. Have you read about the drugs those insolent thugs have been pumping into their bodies? Stay AWAY.) Anyway, follow this guide, and your most willfully ignorant cousins will think you’re so dull they’ll believe you when you claim your “normal bedtime” is 8:30 pm.
Here is a quick sampling of the excellent advice on hand:
1. The Disappearing Bees
Opening Gambit: “Did you hear about how the bees are disappearing?”
Point of Guaranteed Agreement: Bees are good! What is happening to the bees? I know some things about this topic. It is scary, but the scientists are working on it. We won’t know until Spring. Let’s all cross our fingers. We shall see.
Do Not Mention: “Bee AIDS”, Global Warming
Very nice! What else?
3. Fancy People Pay Outrageous Prices for Gross Food
Opening Gambit: “You guys will love this – I have friends who call themselves “foodies” who eat the most disgusting things and pay so much money for it!”
Point of Guaranteed Agreement: Fois Gras is gross.
Do Not Mention: “Oh, my god, and the worst thing is? They force-feed those poor little ducks. No, I really, it’s CRUEL, I watched a whole documentary on it…” Or anything to which they could say… “And speaking of documentaries…“
Yeah. Hey, I like this plan!
5. Remember When Tony Soprano called it “The lowest form of conversation?” I call it “Communication that does not involve the Iraq War.”
Opening Gambit: Remember when I was little and I said cute things?
Do Not Mention: Anything that could lead to a “Those days being better days than these days, in which little girls dress like prostitutes and everyone shacks up” conversation. Not that your fifteen-year-old cousin’s miniskirt isn’t begging everyone to go there already…
Go read. There’s more.
And thanks, Jezebelles! This almost makes up for the fact that I watched you guys all pee standing up on video earlier today.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Excellent advice.
Ahhh. The zed makes up for the fact that once again, Spouse has made a dessert for Thanksgiving that I, as a diabetic, can’t get within 12 feet of.
Burnsy, did you go and tell the others?
TRex!!!
I hope you saw my comment no. 150, epu’d on the Late Nite thread.
TRex @ 3
I have now.
neurophius @ 4
Seen and replied to, amigo!
thanks burns
dayammit, TRex, weather was my favorite thing to divert the redneck side of the family with during family dinners.
This was a f**king awful day, but the early evening made up for it.
“Dear College Basketball World,
“We’re back.
“/s/ Duke University Men’s Basketball”
Great TRex! Except that my Thanksgiving dinner will be with my son and my close friends. All dems. Mostly liberals. Even a trio of teen bloggers.
TexBetsy @ 9
Sounds divine.
The folks we’re having dinner with thought Reagan was a Commie. Only in OC …
Uh oh.
Keep an eye on those three. Those blogger types, they’re trouble.
The folks we’re having dinner with thought Reagan was a Commie. Only in OC …
i think we may have relatives in common burns
My Thanksgiving dinner will be with my wife, two step-kids and one step-kid’s spouse.
We pretty much all agree on everything that’s important.
My wife and I took a presidential quiz online yesterday, and without discussing the questions or our answers we both came out favoring the following candidates, first to third place:
Kucinich
Gravel
Edwards
Then my step-daughter took it and got the same results.
Not sure if all teens are this way but …
if Texteen (boy) were going away for two nights, he’d pack a toothbrush and (maybe) extra boxers. He might bring a gameboy.
Cassie left an hour ago for a two-night trip with a full suitcase, 5 sets of clothing, shampoo, jewelry, assorted “hair stuff”, make-up, 3 books, snack food, and MY mp3 player, with 2 extra sets of batteries. Amazing.
lmao, I talked a female of mine into peeing off the porch with me. It took a good month to talk her into it. It hilarious and had us in stitches laughing. She was good at it too without any props!
TexBetsy @ 14
At least she left you the laptop …
And just wait … you’ll need a semi to carry her stuff when she goes off to college. My three sisters were just like that.
she had no choice burns.
I always refuse to discuss politics.
Not that my Mom doesn’t gracefully and graciously defuse any potentially explosive conversations. She’s amazing that way. Two guests will start to look like their hackles are going up and their ears going down and, out of nowhere it seems, she will suddenly present a cute child. “Why, just look at Ellen and Peter’s daughter Tiffany! What grade are you in this year, Tiffany?”
“Second,” replies the little human shield.
“Second grade? Your mama told me you’re getting all A’s this year. That is SO GOOD! What’s Santa going to bring you this year? &c., &so forth…”
It’s amazing. She’s so fast.
Of course, after a gathering, she’s always exhausted. That’s my mother the steel magnolia.
I can’t wait to see her tomorrow.
Oh, and when people ask me what I think of a political topic, I always say, “I’m off duty, ma’am. Wasn’t it a pretty afternoon today?”
tw3k @ 15
spew
burnspbesq @ 8
Amen.
Am up late preparing for 22 for lunch — all of us big Duke fans ( alums and current students). Preparing lots of old fashioned southern cooking.
Hope TRex that your mother’s abdication of cooking this year is just do to her being overwhelmed. This is the best holiday of the year and the one time everyone comes home.
Wish we could zip some of the inevitable copious leftovers your way. Not for us to worry though…you’ll have a good day anyway.
You’re The Therapod.
I think I like MamaRex
trex, give mamatrex a hug for me please
TRex @ 18
Your Mother, such a great lady.
trex, you forgot the greatest difuser of all – family gossip.
Nothing will stop Aunt Edna and Aunt Apple from snipping at each other faster than bringing up some new gossip.
TRex I am sure you and Patrick will be helping with the dishes and carrying the food to and fro, yes?
Jane (nyc) @ 21
We should have a Firepup meetup in Charlotte between sessions on Friday afternoon of the ACC Tournament.
Spot on, TRex;
In mine, we have a bunch of smart, take-no-shit women. (I’m proud to say not a damn one of them’s a Clinton supporter. :o) )
We/they outnumber the two or three know-nothings by about 3 to 1. But we/they are kind-hearted, and as you so perceptively and humourously threaded for us, we put the politics on the back burner and enjoy the food and the family.
As pissed as I am, and as better-informed than they are, as I am, I don’t mind.
I think the whole, obscene shittaree is hanging by a thread, and I think the thread just got a little more frayed, with Gen. Sanchez’s dagger of today, as he unequivocally gave bushCo a thrust, and jumped ship, again. :o)
http://apnews.myway.com//artic…..E8G00.html
I can afford to watch the murky end of the family gene pool squirm and writhe, while hugging them and reassuring them that we love them. :o)
Two things.
1. You will find that some teen boys are incredibly fussy about their clothes, even for an overnight trip. Some of them (like me) will grow up to be gay. Some are just going through that painfully awkward phase where you obsess about every aspect of your appearance.
2. If those boys were going to be spending the night outside, you would need a U-Haul for all the backpacks, flashlights, canteens, knives of varying lengths and levels of sharpness, walkie talkies, batteries, sleeping bags, and various sharpened sticks and other eye-putting-out accoutrements.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin”.
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times.?”
“Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
“Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.
“Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
“Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
“Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
“Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.
“Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
“Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
“Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was……….. God I miss him.
” But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”.
“Wonderful”, said the husband, “but why?
“You’re with the “Government”…
This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED!”
We always told Uncle Henry stories.
“Remember the time when Uncle Henry fell out of the car (Model T Ford) on a bumpy road, and all the kids were screaming at Grandpa to stop, and he had learned never to listen to all 11 (OK, in this case, 10) kids at the same time? And poor Uncle Henry was running behind the car crying, “Daddy! Stop for me!”
That made a nice break from us cousins ticking off our elders with talks of campus protests during Vietnam.
Run like hell if the words stem cells pass any lips – it’s gonna be the smug wingnut gotcha this week. I’ve been hit with it 3 times in the last 24hrs – paper had a big “told ya so” article, even though the facts aren’t in.
TexBetsy @ 26
He, sadly, has gone on to Indiana to see his in-laws, who are legion (big Catholic family) and delightful. They’re like the opposite of my mom’s house, boistrous, chaotic, messy, outdoorsy. I’m just a leetle bit jealous.
SunnyNobility @ 32
No, no, no. You just smile and say, “I know! Isn’t it exciting? You guys can’t hold us back anymore!”
I’m whipped, and I have to be up early tomorrow. Time to grab a book and an iPod and head off to bed.
Goodnight, all. Happy Thanksgiving!
burnspbesq @ 27
Firepup meetup would be fun … and it looks like the Devils will be competitive this year.
Am spending most of my time in NC now — getting involved in legislative, judicial elections. The ACC tournament would be great territory for stumping…though it never feels “right” when it’s not in Greensboro.
TRex — sorry for the sports talk…but for me, it’s all political. :-)
TRex @ 34
Forgot to add, “Bless your hearts!”
g’nite burns have a good turkey day
nite burns
sleep well burns. happy turkey day.
TexBetsy @ 30
Pfffttt!
OK, you owe me a shot of Jack Daniels now that it’s all over my computer!
TRex,
The only Republican in the family (my brother-in-law) is staying home with the sick dachshund. I have no wingnut foil for the holiday.
What’s a girl to do?
Jane (nyc) @ 42
Prank call him.
Science is Golden… I misread. That’s a song by The Grates
Jane (nyc) @ 42
I would suggest an appropriate
thank youget well gift for the poor dachshund.SPEW alert!!!!
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her
pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and
sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
And now you understand how brothr could fight brother in the American Civil War…
Couldn’t happen again? Oh right!
i tripped the filter
TexBetsy @ 47
refresh and it is free
TexBetsy @ 14
Jeez, i’d go with a backpack and two books at her age. Lucky if i bothered with make-up at that that time too. She’s a different breed of girlgeek. ^^ I was and i’m still too tomboyish for my own good. But it lets me pack light. Well it did up until i got my laptop. XD
TRex @ 37
Well done – thanks! I’ll use it.
I’m not going families’ Thanksgiving this year. I’ve had enough of my brother’s jackass racist father-in-law.
So I’m going to visit my neighbor. Drink some beer, watch some football, walk my dog. Mmmmm…. I’m actually looking forward to it.
Suzanne @ 45
Hehehe!
Ms. Suzanne
You are “on it” tonight! He’d never get the snark.
He really is a lovely guy. Just lives in a work world where Rush is God. I think he’s truly too spent when he gets home to actively acknowledge reality.
But then, there are lots of “Amurkins” out there like that, aren’t there?
I also got the new car. A chrysler sebring. Which puts me at 200$ in payments instead of 350$. The insurance will STILL kick my ass but it won’t be so much of a shutout.
Long term prospects look good for this one. Now to get hustling and do some job research this weekend so i can start the calls this monday or tuesday. I plan to sleep tommorrow(paid holiday off, yay!). Work friday and do the last of the car paperwork before i head into work again and then research from my cozy little apartment for two days interspersed with much needed naps.
Brain on insanity mode right now. So grammar is WAY off.
OK. LAST spew alert. Insert the name of your favorite sports team.
A guy walks into a bar wearing a 49ers jersey and carrying a cat that’s also wearing a 49ers jersey.
The guy says to the bartender, “Can my cat and I watch the 49ers game here? My TV is broken and my cat and I always watch the game together”.
The bartender replies, “Normally, cats wouldn’t be allowed in the bar, but it’s not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there’s any trouble with you or the cat, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game.
Pretty soon the Niners kick a field goal and the
excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, “Hey, that’s pretty cool! Does he do that for every field goal?” The guy nods, “Yeah, every time.”
The bartender asks, “What does he do for a touchdown?”
The guys answers, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”
congrats on the new car alias!
But then, there are lots of “Amurkins” out there like that, aren’t there?
yep, about a 50/50 split in my family, ‘murikins and hippiecommies
Alias, believe it or not, this is your cake.
TexBetsy @ 56
LOL!
dancing new car happy dance for alias
TexBetsy @ 58
Sankyou TexB! ^_^
*digs in* ooo chocolate. even better.
Judge spares Vitter from testimony
I can just imagine if this had been a Democrat.
and two cakes for the rest of us
1
2
Tex, that looks so good!
Margot @ 63
“And sir, the Deputy will escort you home and impound the contents of your underware drawer.”
my bold
Congrats on the new car, westy!
With that bit of happy news, I’m off to bed. Gotta hit the road early.
Good night!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey, somebody digg me, ya ingrates!!
happy thanksgiving TRex
nite T
Happy Thanksgiving back.
Sleep well T. Have a great feast tomorrow.
Synoia @ 46
I found a great diary entry from the Rev War era. My xxxxx grandfather and xxxx grandfather were “planters” in Nova Scotia, arriving there from New England about 10 years before the Rev. A surveyor wrote that the neighbors feared there would be murder in the family because of father and son’s differences about the war.
It was the father who opposed the revolution.
The great NS diarist Simeon Perkins (originally from CT), was too tactful (or intimidated)- he simply stopped mentioning those who went “home” to fight in the Rev. Just picked them back up after the war without comment. After the war and the death of the father, my son just reappeared in the diary with a couple of kids the diarist reported as having been born in CT.
We’re having chicken instead of turkey tomorrow. So ….
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. Imagine that. When I found it, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door opens and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.
And, you thought I couldn’t cook!
TexBetsy @ 73
Distracts from the Football-watchin’.
Pass.
:-)
Any football available for those of us who don’t have NFL channel?
football, smootball. pigskin aint gonna fill your tummy tomorrow
TexBetsy @ 75
Packers @ Lions @ 11:30 your time on FOX
Jets @ Cowboys @ 3 your time on CBS
Thanks newt
TRex @ 66
Night! Happy TurkeyDay TREx *waves*
Waves to everyone!
I’m going to get some sleep so I can be wide awake for cooking and football tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving all.
Good night
g’nite tex, pain free sleep wishes
‘nite all…
((((((((the firepup family))))))))
g’nite sunny… geez, soon its just gonne be me and the chickens around here
Bwk, bwk, bwk
I won’t desert you, Suz.
you and the TURKEYS suzanne
***pooof***
Suzanne @ 83
I’m up for a little while longer, but fading fast. Been a long day, since i did the new car paperwork and drove that baby to work today and then back home. So the blankets on my bed are looking mighty tempting and i’ll heed their call.
nope, she definitely says chickens
a much better version from Asleep At the Wheel
Here ya go suzanne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkW3ijZFDuQ
Alice
neurophius @ 91
laughing.. thanks.. is he smoking one of them funny cigarettes at the beginning – before the music starts?
Suzanne @ 93
considering the era, I would say probably so
sure what it looked like to me – but then again, it could have been warm up for one of them mouth bows.
love this song, thanks :)
another OMD classic
Thanks, Suzanne.
I had not thought about them in years, until you said “chickens.”
speaking of chickens.. a little foghorn
I love foghorn leghorn
unfortunately, his resemblence to Trent Lott detracts a bit from my enjoyment
i used to love to watch tweety and sylvester cartoons but now tweety has been ruined by tweety the talking head.
thats about it for me tonight. g’nite all and happy thanksgiving (((pups)))
Suzanne @ 101
I’m afraid I’m chickening out too.
Happy holiday to all.
nite suz
LOoks like everyone’s conked out. Got in late, will be going to bed soon.
Just thought I’d say — I’m thankful that if anything, everyone in my immediate family is MORE liberal than me.
So we have lots of really fun, substantive discussions as well as a grand old time when we get together.
Happy THanksgiving to all those celebrating it!
Silence is painless, but duct tape isn’t….
Silence is elegant, duct tape wrinkles, and is very sticky….
Silence comes in small packets, duct tape comes in large rolls….
somebody stop me!
Happy Thanksgiving, pups.
Happy Thanksgiving, ET and All Pups!
FunnyDiva
I’ve just got this from a reliable source from someone close to the Clinton campaign that John Edwards is the source of both the bogus “$1 for every pro-Hillary internet message posted” as well as being the source of the Chinese “Ants For Aphrodesiac” scam
~ Robert Novak
I like foie gras! I am not ashamed to admit it. I love the smooth buttery taste of fattened duck and goose liver, spread over toasty bread. I like it with chocolate and poached pears too.
Know what else I like?
Veal. Beautiful pink flesh of baby cow. I like veal chops coated with porcini mushroom rub and grilled to medium rare. Orgasmic!
You guys should stop watching documentaries. That’s like watching sausage being made and it’ll turn you right off your food.
Good Morning and Happy Thanksgiving! We just had a line of showers move through and the sound of rain on the roof was wonderful. Hopefully we got at least 1/2 inch. Happy trees.
okay…here’s an interesting Thanksgiving conversation to start, especially on the eve of the Holiday “Giving Seasons”.
Are Humans intrinsically evil and selfish or are they actually predisposed to be altruistic since we evolved in a social environment?
Republicans and religious fundamentalists have tended to argue that humans are steeped in sin, and require “reprogramming” and strict black-and-white laws to maintain social order.
Liberals have tended to the view that humans are intrinsically good (or neutral) and it’s flawed environmental and social features that “bend the twig”.
Well here are two interesting studies that suggest that children are already establishing altruistic and moral decision-making behavior.
Toddlers Try To Be Helpful
Babies Can Spot the Good, the Bad and the Ugly…and play with the Good
Happy Thanksgiving!
JPL so glad you’re gonna to get some rain!
And cinnamonape, of course we’re altruistic, but we’re also selfish. We benefit from both traits.
Cinnamonape, A few months ago, the NYTimes, science section had an article on rats and showed that they too can be altruistic. If one rat did something nice another rat would do something nice for another rat. The article reminded me of the movie “Pay It Forward”
Happy Thanksgiving pups! My what a nice day we are having.Six AM, coffee so weak I went to Hardees (FFR) and got almost decent coffee. Just woke my sister up to the sound of the smoke alarm going off, LOL, she is not amused. Cooking that turkey for 30 min. at 500 degrees….well you know how it is. Just another 3 hr to go and the bird will be done. Perused some of the comments and “Rules”, all of which sounded like a first class war with some of my folks excluding Mom and Sister, any have good one
Mornin’ all. Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving, pups! Today it’s TOMC and Roger Cohen in the NYT. TOMC says that based on lessons learned from the Bush administration, she is making a list called Qualities We Don’t Want in the Next President. She continues today with Lesson #2. Roger Cohen has his knickers in a bunch about e-mail. He says it’s time to reintroduce Americans to each other, and that e-mailitis is soul-ravaging — and perilous.
http://mgpaquin.wordpress.com/
The coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready, and I’ve got some cranberry muffins that just came out of the oven. Have a great day, and may all your turkeys be juicy and delicious.
Thank you for the wonderful muffins Marion
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
Happy Thanksgiving Marion. The muffins sound scrumptious.
Have a good day all. It’s time to make the stuffing and prepare all the goodies.
Marion could you run those mufffins up to Raleigh? Sounds goood to me. Have a nice day!
Marion in Savannah @ 115
Good morning all & happy thanksgiving.
Roger Cohen is useless, and every time I leave a substantive message at this blog, they delete it.
Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving. JPL, glad you got some rain. Where do you live? Cinnamonape, great studies!
Elliott @ 111
I agree. What I find interesting to these tales is that children are actually trying altruistic behaviors at an early age at an above random rate. But it’s not 100% of the time. So that means if they are rewarded from the tendency to be altruistic, cooperative and helpful they will maintain that behavior…but if the are rewarded primarily for being selfish they’ll likely go that way. But given the higher frequency of helpful behavior it likely takes more disincentive to make an individual “highly selfish”.
This makes sense that such experimental. Low-risk altruism would be selectively favored in young social Primates or other social mammals. They’d then respond to the specifics of their environment to fine tune it to their social position, age and the dynamics of their group. So it’s nether all nature (genetic hard-wiring) nor all nurture (since one has to have the genes to allow altruistic plasticity and a brain able to modulate the cost-benefits of certain acts). It’s epigenetic.
Good morning and happy Thanksgiving day to everyone.
cinnamonape @ 122
ooo thanks, I love your explanations
I’m curious, what altruistic behaviors have you observed in orangutans?
and morning eCAHN, Lindy and Loo Hoo.
Loo Hoo isn’t it 5 am for you?
It is 5:00, Elliot. I went to sleep early last night, just couldn’t stay awake.
Good morning and happy thanksgiving!
Gobble, gobble, egregious!
good morning, all… coffee is ready…
and Christy’s upstairs
I can be as discreet as I want at dinners with my right-wing parents, but it doesn’t matter. Dad will insist on bringing something up. I’ve tried suffering in silence, but no more. I will poke back.
The father-son conversation