silence is goldenIf you, like many people, are dreading those inevitable shouting matches around the holiday table with your Republican relatives, Jezebel has some helpful rules for ensuring a peaceful, non-screaming Thanksgiving for you and yours.

I used to joke that the only two topics I could discuss when I went home to visit my evangelical Republican family were “the weather and food.” I guess I didn’t give enough thanks for our intact ice caps, because ever since Global Warming came along I’ve lost “weather” as an option. So how are those of us with family members who get their news from Hannity and the O’Reilly supposed to fill the silences without resorting to an ill-advised “meaningful discussion” destined to end in tears, slammed doors, and most tragically, the potential forfeiture of six varieties of pie? Here are five topics that, if you follow the rules, are guaranteed to lead to the blandest, least provocative family dinner conversation possible. (You’ll notice sports are absent from this list. Have you read about the drugs those insolent thugs have been pumping into their bodies? Stay AWAY.) Anyway, follow this guide, and your most willfully ignorant cousins will think you’re so dull they’ll believe you when you claim your “normal bedtime” is 8:30 pm.

Here is a quick sampling of the excellent advice on hand:

1. The Disappearing Bees
Opening Gambit:
“Did you hear about how the bees are disappearing?”
Point of Guaranteed Agreement: Bees are good! What is happening to the bees? I know some things about this topic. It is scary, but the scientists are working on it. We won’t know until Spring. Let’s all cross our fingers. We shall see.
Do Not Mention: “Bee AIDS”, Global Warming

Very nice!  What else?

3. Fancy People Pay Outrageous Prices for Gross Food
Opening Gambit: “You guys will love this – I have friends who call themselves “foodies” who eat the most disgusting things and pay so much money for it!”
Point of Guaranteed Agreement: Fois Gras is gross.
Do Not Mention: “Oh, my god, and the worst thing is? They force-feed those poor little ducks. No, I really, it’s CRUEL, I watched a whole documentary on it…” Or anything to which they could say… “And speaking of documentaries…

Yeah.  Hey, I like this plan!

5. Remember When Tony Soprano called it “The lowest form of conversation?” I call it “Communication that does not involve the Iraq War.”
Opening Gambit: Remember when I was little and I said cute things?
Do Not Mention: Anything that could lead to a “Those days being better days than these days, in which little girls dress like prostitutes and everyone shacks up” conversation. Not that your fifteen-year-old cousin’s miniskirt isn’t begging everyone to go there already…

Go read.  There’s more.

And thanks, Jezebelles!  This almost makes up for the fact that I watched you guys all pee standing up on video earlier today.

Happy Thanksgiving!