schumer.jpgOne of the more charming features of Scientology is the concept of “auditing”. Auditing, which is the Catholic practice of “confession” taken to the Nth degree and beyond, basically forces the church members to cough up their deepest, darkest, most blackmailable secrets to the Scientology auditors, under the pretext of “clearing” said church members of icky “thetans”. These secrets then make up the infamous “Dead Agent Packs” which are used to keep church members, particularly those who are, say, wealthy gay closeted Hollywood actors, from publicly denouncing the church.

Dead Agent Packs aren’t just for the faithful. In fact, the Clam Cult’s info-gathering and harrassment prowess is legendary among journalists. Mark Ebner took the extraordinary step of starting his 1996 Spy article on Scientology by revealing everything he thought they’d try to use against him, in the hopes of rendering it useless.

Looking at the recent behaviors of Chuck Schumer and Dianne Feinstein, one wonders if they themselves have the GOP version of “Dead Agent Packs” created against them. One also wonders if it might be handy for us to find out what the Republicans are likely to be using against them.

DiFi’s probably a lost cause — she was apparently never that progressive to start with, is not going to be running for reelection, and is more about the money than anything else. But Schumer — he might be a different story.

Let’s do Chuck Schumer a favor, and see what sort of stuff is in his Dead Agent Pack. Must be pretty strong stuff, to get him to do things like back John Bolton. (You know, the guy who’s no longer Bush’s ambassador to the UN? The guy who only gives interviews to ideological fellow travelers like “Word Salad” Pam Oshry of Atlas Shrugs?)

It’s not as if Schumer’s always on the wrong side of any major issue (he’s right on Iran, for one thing — much to the dismay of the racist pigs filling most of the letters section of the New York Observer). He may well be salvageable. If revealing his Dead Agent Pack doesn’t make him grow a spine, it ought to be of use to his primary challengers in 2010.