nick breakspearI am by nature indifferent to “Best Of” contests of all sorts, and that includes the Weblog Awards. And when I say that I’m “indifferent” to such things, what I mean is that I think they’re stupid and boring and I hate them. And no, this is not because I was not nominated: I assure you that I am above all such pettiness, such sluttish desiderata. No. I contemplate the Weblog Awards with the selfsame superb, remote contempt in which I hold John Kyl, Kid Rock, and Nicholas Breakspear. In fine, phenomena on the order of the Weblog Awards simply do not harmonize with my general philosophy of human existence, a philosophy brilliantly expressed by Myles na Gopaleen:

What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one’s enemies. Give a man these three things and you won’t hear much squawking out of him.

Do the Weblog Awards provide food? Ha! No sandwiches, no ice cream, and — most farcically– a shameful, deplorable absence of bacon and whiskey. Do they provide money? La chance, elle est gros, ne c’est pas? From their FAQ:

Q: What are The Weblog Awards all about?

A: Fun!

So’s your Aunt Susan, but I still wouldn’t be caught dead with her outside the Orange Julius in the food court, buster. As for chances of scoring of one’s enemies: popularity contests are notoriously fickle venues for sticking the knife in, as my 4th-grade nemesis Cindy O’Mara learned to her enduring humiliation when I won the Great Hall Monitor Election of ’77, despite her vicious, underhanded campaign of lunchroom calumny. (In your face, Stink-dy O’Spazza, and I still delight in this decisive repudiation of your swinish tactics of booger-consumption innuendo.)

However. (And there is always a “however.”) I hereby make an exception to my general policy of treating the Weblog Awards as a bunch of crap I wouldn’t burp my Bushmill’s on, not merely in order to grudgingly acknowledge their existence (which I already feel is going rather overboard), but indeed to offer my Official Endorsement of This Guy for Best Humor Blog.

Why? Because he’s frickin’ funny! That’s why! Here’s a representative sample — and yes, he does apparently begin all of his posts by grubbing for votes in a stupid online contest in exactly the same fashion as heavily mascara-ed big-haired temps from Massapequa Park grub for free sloe gin fizzes from half-failed married asshole stockbrokers in shiny suits during Happy Hour at a strip-mall Applebee’s:

Don’t even THINK of reading this DUFU edition before VOTING for the DUmmie FUnnies for FUnniest Blog in the 2007 Weblog Awards Contest by clicking HERE. It only takes a couple of seconds to vote in this 2007 Weblog Awards Contest and you can vote once per day until Thursday. If you only see an orange color in the circle after clicking it, then click again. You will know that your vote has registered when you see the vote totals results come up.

Now, THAT’S COMEDY. Do you know why? Can you see it? Can you appreciate the finely nuanced humor in that paragraph?

Hee hee. “If you only see an orange color in the circle after clicking it, then click again. You will know that your vote has registered when you see the vote totals results come up.”

The dude’s admitting flat-out that his readers are so syphilitically stupid, they can’t figure out how a moronic internet poll works without explicit instructions and a freakin’ diagram. One shudders to imagine the filmstrips they must cue up before pooping.

So, sorry, Gavin. This person is just hilarious.

Though if you do not share my refined comic sensibilities, you may vote for Sadly No, or perhaps Jon Swift, at the appropriate page, here, see if I care. I believe the overwhelming majority FDLers can perform such a complex feat without further guidance on my part. Don’t make me break out the Etch-a-Sketch.

(UPDATE: D’oh! My esteemed wife informs me that I have indeed been nominated for a WA, in an obscure category. I assure you that I really, really, don’t give a rat’s ass, though, and have not bothered to look it up, as emotionally needy as I undeniably am.)