a idiotAh, Little Green Footballs, the blog you read when you’re just too lazy to drink strychnine. Apparently wee Chuckie Greenballs has drawn a bead on our John Amato of Crooks and Liars and the results are predictably hilarious and yet somehow the whole business makes you feel kind of dirty afterwards like you’ve been inappropriately touched by your uncle.

On Friday, Crooks and Liars ran a video of Pete Stark’s from-the-hip remarks regarding the Bush Administration’s hard line in the War on Children. Mr. Amato included both a poll and a video clip. The new poll features is still a little wonky and somehow the combined code lines for the clip and the poll feature caused a section of the transcript of Stark’s statement to get dropped from the resulting post.

Enter some wahoo called the Gateway Pundit, who takes it upon himself to accuse C&L of engaging in a cover-up by not producing a transcript of the full video. (”It’s a liberal trick to make you think Stark didn’t say what he actually said!”) And then of course, Charles Johnson had to leap on board to bring his vast skills as a typographer and expert on PhotoShop kerning to bear on the issue.

Because nothing says, “level eleventy-kajillion black-belt debunker of liberal media tricks” like a stringy gray ponytail and a face like a peeled potato. And D-cup man-boobs. And a seemingly endless supply of eye-punishing Hawaiian shirts.

But where was I? Oh, yes, so, do you remember Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite? Frozen forever trying to recapture the magic that was 1982, the year he almost made it to the state playoffs? Well, Johnson and most of his Righty fellow travelers are convinced that their heroic work on the Dan Rather/Texas Air National Guard story was their finest hour, and that their next big bwa-ha-haaa moment is right around the corner, as soon as they unearth the Next Big Liberal Media Conspiracy, the frantic pursuit of which has led them down innumerable blind alleys and resulted in sorry spectacles like Michelle Malkin stalking the Frost family.

Because the Keyboard Kommandos fear nothing! Except running out of Mountain Dew and Junior Mints. And their parents finally wising up and and kicking them out of the basement room.

Well, I sent my own sources to investigate just what in the hell was going on over at Crooks and Liars headquarters on Friday and the truth will astonish you.

That post was in fact part of a joint conspiracy between Amato and the Islamofascists. It was ghost-written by Iraqi police captain Jamil Hussein. And Captain Hussein arrived at the C&L batcave in a magical, flying Lebanese ambulance.

Nice try, Charles. Maybe you should try a little less obsessing over non-existent conspiracies and a little more time trying not to look like The Thing That the Styx Tour Bus Left Behind.

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