Second in an infinite series. Here we present the previous week’s most charming instances of right-wing dishonesty, lunacy, mendacity, hackery, buffoonery, Albigensianism, fabrication, rhetorical or literal auto-erotic asphyxiation, or just plain old-fashioned dumbassery. Remember that the Rules, which are sternly inflexible yet strangely bendable, stipulate that the wingnutty bullshit in question must exhibit “the same quality of ebullient, vaguely hateful, yet strangely entertaining nonsense that characterizes the dialogue in a Patrick Swayze movie of the caliber of Road House or Red Dawn.” For this reason we must, lamentably, disqualify the inability of the leader of the free world to distinguish between Austria and Australia; likewise, we must also dismiss Charles Krauthammer’s incapacity to discern his ass from his elbow. Appalling as such gibberish might be, neither quite rises to the level of “it’s my way or the highway” or “This place has a sign hangin’ over the urinal that says, ‘Don’t eat the big white mint.'” I trust that is perfectly clear?
So below are the three contenders. Vote for your favorite in comments. Choose swiftly: remember, you’ll sleep when you’re dead.
First, we have the giddy, giggly chucklefascism of the lesser lights of the Right Blogosphere, who have taken to insinuating that anyone who has the Unmitigated Gall to even blink sideways at the Shining Integrity of General Petraeus… hates the troops. Eeeeek! Why? Because, well, General Petraeus is The Troops:
I want them to begin to belittle General Patraus and Crocker before the American people, calling them in effect “liars”, because they won’t be able to do so without slandering the very troops in combat that they say they support.
So be properly deferential to General “Troops” Petraeus, you un-American swine, you. He is all the Troops, at once. He is a man of many uniforms, of many ranks, and it would seem, at least two genders. He is vast, and contains multitudes. Hence: Show some respect, you rabble, you. (Spelling his name correctly is apparently optional, though, or so it seems.)
Osama bin Laden and his henchmen must be hunted down — and as president, I will. Al Qaeda terrorists and the violent, aggressive ideology they propagandize must be defeated across the globe, in Afghanistan and in Iraq, which bin Laden’s top lieutenant calls al Qaeda’s central battlefront against the United States. My presidency will be al Qaeda’s worst nightmare.
In fairness, his presidency at this point does indeed have a certain dreamlike quality to it. That aside, I’m not myself totally clear on exactly why swearing to continue the same policies that have been ineffective thus far against Al Qaeda for six years and counting is supposed to cost them all that much sleep. It is a Mystery.
Finally, and a bit farther off the beaten path, wandering around the Ole Perfesser’s Corncob n’ Biscuit Emporium via a Blue Texan link, we discover something from the Men’s Movement, which remains the single most hilarious movement in the history of movements. I give you the spike-chinned Jeff Zaslow in the Wall Street Journal Online (now with extra crazy!):
These days, if Rian Romoli accidentally bumps into a child, he quickly raises his hands above his shoulders. “I don’t want to give even the slightest indication that any inadvertent touching occurred,” says Mr. Romoli, an economist in La Cañada Flintridge, Calif.
Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. “Being male,” he explains, “I am guilty until proven innocent.”
In San Diego, retiree Ralph Castro says he won’t allow himself to be alone with a child — even in an elevator.
Last month, I wrote about how our culture teaches children to fear men. Hundreds of men responded, many lamenting that they’ve now become fearful of children. They said they avert their eyes when kids are around, or think twice before holding even their own children’s hands in public.
Clearly, all of these men are horribly oppressed. I am especially tickled by the sorry tale of the doctor who scurries away from the lost, crying kid in the mall. “You little punk! I bet your lawyer mom put you up to this!” But it gets even better:
It’s true that men are far more likely than women to be sexual predators. But our society, while declining to profile by race or nationality when it comes to crime and terrorism, has become nonchalant about profiling men. Child advocates are advising parents never to hire male babysitters. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers.
You have to be amazed at the resourcefulness of the American Conservatives: they can always find something… unusual… to whine about.