You know, I don’t really have anything against straight people. They’re entitled to do whatever it is they feel like they need to do. They gross me out a little, sure, but you know, things have come a long way in the last twenty years or so. Far be it from me to judge their lifestyle choices.
I have to draw the line at straight marriage, though. I mean, it’s not natural. It’s not what god intended, and clearly its consequences are rarely thought out by the young people like Jenna Bush and her dog-walker fiancee who are so eager to embrace it. Honestly, I don’t care what our president’s daughter does in her free time, but must they constantly rub our noses in it? Okay, you’re straight. We get it. Enough already.
Look, for example, what marriage did to Britney Spears. Heterosexual matrimony sets its adherents’ feet on a slippery, dangerous path of destruction that leads to drugs, promiscuous sex, and bad parenting. It is a menace to our society and it must be stopped.
Another serious strike against heterosexuality is its popularity among Right-Wing Opinionati like Jules Crittenden, who took some time out from getting behind the stalled War on Terror and pushing while one of his buddies struggles with the wheel and finding Iranian operatives lurking in the tea chest to bash Dave Neiwert for his essay here on Sunday about being a stay-at-home Dad.
Hey, Neiwert, you want to be a real man … try having more kids. One’s like a hobby. That’s like boutique parenthood. I’m kicking myself because we stopped at three. What was I thinking?
That maybe it’s irresponsible to squeeze out more baby wingnuts than you can feed?
But in Crittenden’s pointy little head, it is essential that white people have more babies, a moral imperative. Why? Because The Darkies are Breeding Like Flies.
Look, staying home with the kids is fine, if that’s what you want to do. Nothing wrong with it. If your wife can take six months off every two years to squeeze another one out and breastfeed it, then fine. But for God’s sake stop whining about your manliness and use it. I have bad news for you. The people doing all the breeding around the world aren’t interested in consciousness-expanding gender neutrality and growing as New Age androgenoids or reducing their carbon footprints or trying to understand you in order to respect your differences or any of that. They are interested in your stuff, however, and sooner or later, they will swamp your kind out of existence. And a lot of them might not even bothering sticking around to be fathers at all while they’re at it.
In other words, if we don’t fuck more western white babies into existence, brown people are going to bust into our houses and steal all our “stuff”. This is that same mentality we heard so much about on the NRO’s Boat to Nowhere Tour and it’s the same crap we get from John Gibson and Bill Bennett.
Get that? White babies good. Brown babies bad.
And furthermore, Crittenden says dads who stay home with their kids are pussies.
Now, to start doing your duty … as a man, as an American … you’ll need to swap jobs with your wife. She’s the one with the uterus and the breasts, after all, and if you’re going to be pumping out kids, she’s going to be using those. Let’s face it, while any real man can wipe a kid’s ass, do the dishes and the laundry, read kids bedtime stories, cook dinner, all that, moms tend to make better mothers. You know why? Because they do. Some of them are horrible failures at motherhood, and some guys are better at it than women. Some guys are horrible failures at fatherhood, and some women are better at it than men. So what. Most guys I know make better dads than moms, and its all they can do to manage that.
At the time of this writing, there is no word if Crittenden and that coat-tail riding moron Mrs. InstaPrawn (who started this particularly noisome round of “Real Men Don’t Change Diapers”) will be calling stay-at-home, single-child dads James Lileks and Jeff Goldstein limp-wristed, feminized, over-intellectualized New Age pansies to their faces or merely by imputation.