My father had little time for me-I was the youngest of seven, and he had to work his tail off to support the family-but I spent a great deal of time with a wonderful uncle who was hardly macho, but definitely offered a vision of masculinity that was an alternative to the football stoked, horndog oriented world of my dad. Most importantly, he always found time for children, having had none of his own, and celebrated their creativity and individuality.

I was an avid participant in the now long gone men’s movement of the early nineties, and feel that there was much there to prepare me to be a good father (so long as I can commit to it). I particularly remember Sam Keen’s nuanced discussion of what it means to be a man and a father, and claiming away from any essentialist feminists or masculinists the notion that nurturing is exclusively a female property. All parents can nurture and the character of that bond to our children will bear the stamp of our own experiences, gendered or not, in wonderful, savoring ways.

Thanks again for your wonderful essay and best wishes upon re-entry.

Post-script: It is worth remembering the variety of cultures in all of this-the Danes descended from the hyper-macho vikings have a rule that all citizens-male and female-must be schooled in the essentials of home care (cooking, cleaning, car mechanics.) and certainly that small country is none the worse for it, nor are Danish men terribly `soft’.

Crazed Opossum @ 236

Raising a child is the most important job in the world?

Did anyone say that? I call straw man! Although it certainly is among the most important jobs in the world.

Sorry, but I’d have a lot more respect for stay-at-home parents of both genders if they would just openly say, “No, I didn’t WANT to work anymore, it was too stressful with caring for the kids, etc., and American workplaces are not family friendly” — which is certainly true– “and I just didn’t want to do it.” No doubt, a “job” can be less than fulfilling, and usually they are, indeed can be actual drudgery, so why not just admit you didn’t want to do it? God knows I would stay at home if I had the financial wherewithal to do it — and I don’t have kids!

Are you saying that being a stay-at-home parent isn’t work? Really?? Try it sometime. You don’t choose to stay at home and raise your children because that’s easier than getting “a real job”. It is a real job, and hard work, and, yes, drudgery.

And not everyone finds it fulfilling. But I sure do, and most parents that I know do. It is, however, real work. And I’ve done (and do) plenty of socially-recognized real work, so I can actually compare.

Is it ditch-digging hard? No.

Is it office-executive hard? Yes.

It is not a way to avoid work.

thanks for getting this one. I was just going to respond “bitter much?”

I don’t think an honest reading of this is to disparage those don’t or can’t choose to take this route. Rather to challenge the b.s. cultural image of a masculine role distant from child rearing.

Really, I’m not at all suggesting we have to submerge our masculinity — I think, like you, rather the opposite. The only thing we have to do is submerge our adultness, sometimes, and get down to their level so they can relate to us.

It’s not that I disagree with your assessment of the joys of being a “stay-at-home” dad, I’ve done that and it was a wonderful experience–I do, however, want to raise a point about your view of masculinity vis a vis parenting. You seem to be saying that men who are the primary caregivers in their families somehow must submerge their masculinity in that historically female role. I just don’t agree at all. I raise my girls as a masculine father–I changed their diapers, read to them, walked with them when they cried, listen to them when they experienced problems at school. But I also taught them how to shoot, how to fish, and how to trap.

As for the men your father hunted with who seemed to you to be less authentically male–the sure judge of a male who isn’t a man is someone who has to talk about his masculinity.

LS @ 48

Manley men singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMsnqQHOwFg

Heh, the epitome of manliness…!!!

Heh, I seriously thought this was going to be http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7fXBhmL9e0 – which is snarky campy irony with a Brit twist on top. :D

Seriously: David, you give me great hope and inspiration.

One of the most important concepts here is to live the childhood you wanted by giving it to your children.

Another that has been eluded to only is to break the cycle.

My own view is that your parents may not have been perfect but they did the best they could. I may make mistakes with my own children but I’m trying to do the best I can. I may make mistakes but I’m not going to make the same mistakes I recognize that my parents made.

I’m a loving, patient, generous, forgiving parent and my three boys are the greatest gift I have ever gotten.

This is a great thread, thanks.

I had such a great weekend with my (grand)daughters, I’ve spent most of my morning missing them. I envy Mr. Neiwart.

That isn’t to say it hasn’t been hard work and at times drudgery, but frankly so is any kind of work you undertake; what matters is what you get out of it at the end.

So I’m just looking back after six years and saying that the rewards ridiculously outweigh whatever costs were incurred along the way.

I know that my experience is colored by being an older parent. We’re more financially secure, and frankly have a better temperament for child-rearing, particularly in the patience category. I know that I was quite a different person 10 years before she was born and would have been quite a different father then.

But I am sensitive to the point about harming the narrative about working women, especially because my intent here was to improve that narrative — to say that men can and should be doing this part of raising families, that we shouldn’t be (a) shunting it off to the bench as “women’s work” and (b) degrading the men who do stay at home to raise kids. Of course it will all depend on the personal temperaments within each family dynamic. Some men are going to be better suited for it, as will some women; maybe they’ll both want to just work (in which case you go the child-care route) or both share in the child-rearing (both work part-time) — whatever your circumstances are, that’s what you oughta do.

And yeah, if you decide not to have kids, good for you too! Some people aren’t fulfilled by it, some are. I just think it’s well past time that men got in on the action, because when they do, I think they’ll stop treating women caregivers as second-class contributors.

I confess I don’t feel comfortable being the only dad at play dates though. It’s difficult, because I don’t want to put the ladies off by being overly friendly, but I don’t want to be stand-offish either.

I had similar trepidations for a while. But, really, the ladies can tell the difference between you being casually friendly and you hitting on them (back me up here, ladies!) Just trust in that and don’t worry — unless you are hitting on them, of course. :)