patriot-ferret.jpgIt would appear that Rudy911 believes the United States is a nation of addictive personalities and codependent enablers that needs a strong, father figure to scold us when we’re being whiny, and who, when we’re afraid, will slap us across our faces and yell, “HOLD YOUR WATER LIKE A MAN!” He’s our political Werner Erhard, man.  The Daddyator.

Yesterday, I received a copy of the 12 Step Program he plans on nailing to the main doors of the Capitol when he becomes President. I’ve taken the liberty of “interpreting” the press release for you, so you don’t have to. I’m just generous like that.

I’m running for President of the United States based on what I can offer the American people.

I’m pumped full of shallow rhetoric, baybay! Shallow rhetoric, empty calories and a proclivity to flipflop.

When I was the Mayor of New York, the city was in a crime crisis, a budget crisis and a financial crisis. When I left office, we had turned the city around dramatically with real results.

I coasted on the “slow but steady” changes implemented by my predecessors. Also, everyone knows black people can’t lead a major city like New York. Only hyper-aggressive white bullies like me can.

Many of the things I did as Mayor of New York City are transferable to what America needs now.

One item high on my agenda will be shutting down art museums. BTW, my PR girl told me about “transferable skills.” No, I haven’t slept with her. Not yet, anyway.

That’s why today I announced my 12 commitments to you, the American people.

Commitments. From Giuliani. Now that’s rich. Dude, you can’t even commit to your numerous wives.

These commitments are intended to lift our vision from the rear view mirror to the road ahead of us – the future.

History is for loosers. The only good thing about being behind someone is that you can riddle them with bullets before they know what hit ‘em. Ask Amadou Diallo. Oh, wait. You can’t.

My 12 commitments to the American people are:

Hold onto your hats, ladies and gents. Strong gusts of hot air follow:

  • I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists’ War on Us.

    • FLYING FEARMONKEYS! FERRET SUICIDE BOMBERS! WE’RE THE VICTIMS HERE!

  • I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.

    • I will institute a nationwide test – you must have a certain maximum percentage of melanin in your skin in order to avoid being rounded up and put in my camps. Oh, and by the way, have you met my friend Mr. Goebbels?

  • I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful Washington spending.

    • I will also reverse the direction of the Earth’s rotation by flying around it really, really fast.

  • I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.

    • I have the invisible hand of the free market tickling my anal sphincter as we speak!

  • I will impose accountability on Washington.

    • I will appoint Bernie Kerik “Accountability Czar” (after I pardon him, of course). Also, I will take the credit whenever Congress does something good, and I will blame Congress for any of my multitude of fuck-ups.

  • I will lead America towards energy independence.

    • Thanks to my oil company clients at Bracewell & Giuliani, I know exactly what legal loopholes they’ll need!

  • I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free-market solutions.

    • I will ensure that my pharmaceutical company clients continue to reap record-breaking profits and will stack the FDA with industry lobbyists. Besides, Judi wants to exercise her stock options so she can buy more tiaras.

  • I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.

    • My PR girl told me to say that to get the fundamentalist nut jobs off my back. I’m settling for a compromise here: we force women to have babies so that there are more to adopt! It’s a win-win!

  • I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.

    • The Constitution is old and musty. It’s time we had a new one drafted. One that is to MY liking.

  • I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.

    • I will direct every municipality in the country to install an emergency response center in the biggest possible target for terrorist attacks that they have.

  • I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.

    • Only rich people will be able to afford mandatory charter schools for their children. Poor children will be apprenticed in the workhouses.

  • I will expand America’s involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.

    • I’m going make my inaugural ballgown look goooooooooooood.

    My focus – as it was when I ran for Mayor – is on the future. Because real leadership is focused on handing our nation to the next generation far better than it was handed to us.

    Lily-livered, pansy-assed Frenchmen, the lot of you. You know NOTHING about acquiring power. I do, and I’ll turn a profit doing it. For example:

    Giuliani Partners and Sabre Technical Services Form New Venture – Bio·ONE™

    BOCA RATON, Fla., Jan. 13 /PRNewswire/ -

    Flanked by Rudolph W. Giuliani, Chairman and CEO of Giuliani Partners LLC, and John Y. Mason, President and CEO of Sabre Technical Services LLC, David Rustine, President of Crown Companies and the new owner of the American Media Inc. (AMI) building announced today that Bio·ONE™(TM) has been selected to decontaminate and remediate the building — site of the first recognized anthrax incident in 2001.

    That’s our Rudy. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  Nothing except dollar signs.