radiofreewill-i sent your joke to someone, and he sent this back:
Chili Judge

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

TexB @ 203

US Arming Suspected Iraqi Militants

BAGHDAD, June 10 — With the four-month-old increase in American troops showing only modest success in curbing insurgent attacks, American commanders are turning to another strategy that they acknowledge is fraught with risk: arming Sunni Arab groups that have promised to fight militants linked with Al Qaeda who have been their allies in the past.

American commanders say they have successfully tested the strategy in Anbar Province west of Baghdad and have held talks with Sunni groups in at least four areas of central and north-central Iraq where the insurgency has been strong. In some cases, the American commanders say, the Sunni groups are suspected of involvement in past attacks on American troops or of having links to such groups. Some of these groups, they say, have been provided, usually through Iraqi military units allied with the Americans, with arms, ammunition, cash, fuel and supplies.

(more)

Oh, good. More people running around with guns and agendas is just exactly what Iraq needs. Do these idiots practice doing the stupidest possible thing in any given situation, or were they just born with a gift for it?

The “warlordification” of Iraq Strategy.

That same article basically advocated the use of this because :they hate the US, but they hate al Qaeda and the Shiites MORE.

Basically, this is an admission that the Sunnis will use the guns against “all of the above” when the time is ripe.

I’m gloomy that, despite all the pain, bloodshed, mis and dis-information, beyond all the human suffering, the degradation, the agony, the erosion of environments and of human rights, it’s still better to be alive than not to be. I’m gloomy that there are so many reasons not to be and no one seems to get that message.

Oh, there’s plenty of folks that question the mode of viewing the world through consciousness as valid. There is alot more intelligence in the body than the mind can ever know. Thinking survives through the continuity of consciousness and is keenly aware of threats to that continuity. Society is likewise established by the “it” of continuity. Without “it” there is nothing to look forward to. People cannot look into the abyss without looking away. When you are alive as you surely are you see life and it sees you. Kinda like this blog.

Welcome to your natural state.

uh uh uh bob, i believe punaise is estrogen challenged and powered by testosterone.

Oops. Thanks for the tip. I wonder where I got that idea?

Bob in HI

Suzanne @ 51

Still not time to play beat the ziglimit yet, petedownunder.

last nite gave me more gray hairs – lets get the rest of the kinks outta the software first.

btw, the tech crew – oh boy, do they need some uh uh … cleanup?

Can we all show some love for the tech crew? How about a standing O?

{standing} O_O_O_O_O_O!
Well, seriously, we love you techies! Without you, the Lake would dry up, and when Suzanne goes boing she might go kersplat rather than slipping smoothly into the waters! Keep up the good work!

Bob in HI

VG, I was not putting down punaise. I was trying to be snarky about him being a testosterone based, and not estrogen based, life form.

I’m sorry if it was taken otherwise.

Suz- I did not take it otherwise!!!!! Trust me. And, I know you well enough to know that you did not mean it in that way!!!

I should have added a snark tag to my comment!

It’s just that punaise has been taking some time off from the toobz.

Sorry for any confusion I may have engendered by my comment.

And, as a little p.s. especially for you… I got an email today from a student about the fact that she needed to meet with me bec. I had turned her into the honor council. This made no sense, bec. I did not recognize her name.

At first, I thought of writing back: I have no idea who you are. I think you need to call the college office to sort this out.

Revised version: You need to contact the college office. You have been given the wrong information.

hahahaha….

{{{{{{{{Suz}}}}}}}}

DrDick @ 253

The Red River.

Houston, we have a punchline.

Darn. I was hoping for something more along the lines of
“A Texas Republican is all A but no B, whereas an Oklahoma Republican is all B but no A.” Or better yet instead of the all _ but no _ one of those word twisters where A & B have the same letters but re-arranged. Words like Hat and Fat or House and Horse.

I clearly have no clue (*G*), and while I know something about Texans, I know next to nothing about Oklahomans (Okies?)

Bob in HI

persiflage @ 326

Trex, you have the patience of Job. How you didn’t tell Goldy to just STFU and let others talk amazes me.

Hey, it’s his show. I was just a guest.

And a fine guest you were too!