republicans

Forget all that Department of Justice stuff for now, my friends.  We have something much more pressing to contend with, an urgent, urgent matter that requires our undivided attention.

"What is it, TRex?" you may ask. "Is Speaker Pelosi drawing up Articles of Impeachment?"

No.

"Is Karl Rove sending Abu Gonzales hunting with Dick Cheney?"

Close, but no.

"Is he sending him to Ken Lay's pharmacist?"

Heh.  Not quite.  It's even better than that.  What, you may ask, could possibly be better than that?

It's a Right Wing blog-fight!!  Aroo!!  Arooooooo!!  Sound the alerts!  All hands on deck!  Call the neighbors and wake the kids!  Bring the popcorn, cos for once it's not Dean Esmay picking a fight with someone with higher traffic, oh, no, it's better than that.  It's a veritable Clash o' the Titans! 

In this corner, weighing in at 112 pounds, from the mean streets of Germantown, Maryland, Hot Air's Cavewoman in Chief, Michelle "We Call Her Wilma" Malkin!!  

And in this corner, weighing in at 190 pounds, and boasting the same blood alcohol level as a bottle of vanilla extract, Teh Right Wing Associated Press, Matt Drudge!!

See, it goes a little something like this.  The other night, on his radio show, Drudge had some choice words about the production values (such as they are) at Malkin's vanity-media project, "Hot Air":

Transcript:

Just ugh. The things I want to say right now. But we’ve got an FCC. The things I want to say. Maybe we’ll do, uh, uh, a commentary on the Internet like Michelle Malkin. Maybe I’ll stand in front of like a blue screen and hold a banana and start talking into the Internets. (Sneering tone) ‘This is Matt Drudge reporting on Hot Air.’ Agggh. You know. It’s ridiculous. Looks like, you know, Captain Kangaroo time, Michelle. Get real.

Damn!  That shit is cold!  True, yes.  Hilarious, yes.  But cold.  Malkin can't help it that all the really creative and talented A/V people are liberals.  She's really doing the best that she can with the meager, meager resources she has, i.e., all the talent and creativity of a half-saucer of lukewarm spit and an army of mouth-breathing, Klingon-speaking, dickhead fanboys falling over each other in their eagerness to be her minions. 

Michelle responds!

We at Hot Air certainly don’t have the resources to look like the slicksters at CNN or the dinosaur networks. We don’t have multi-million dollar sets, graphics, and wardrobes like Katie Couric. We put substance first over bells and whistles.

What, you mean like that bit with the destroyed mosque?  Or that shiteous piece of dreck you did reading Amanda Maricotte's work aloud?  Oh, yeah, baby, that's some fine, fine "substance" you've got there.  Trouble is, until we can send it off for a toxicology report, we're not entirely sure what "substance" it actually is.

Malkin, not content to flip her hair, slam her locker, and stand there with her lower lip quivering until someone takes her side, launches a sucker-punch at Mr. Drudge:

(You would think someone with a website design circa 1980 might appreciate our priorities.)

Ha, ha.  That's funny, cos, you know, there weren't any websites in 1980.  Or maybe there were, just nobody could see them cos they didn't have home computers then.  (Oh!  It's another Zen riddle.  If a web site exists in an invisible medium, can Malkin's readers launch DDoS attacks against it?)

But jeez, Matt Drudge, are you gonna take that shit off some little jumped-up ex-Townhall chippie?  The woman who claimed that Jamil Hussein didn't exist, and then tried to pretend that his actual existence was somehow proof of her claims?  The woman who cited the Gathering of Eagles National Park Service Estimate of Saturday's march as fact, in spite of the fact that the National Park Service doesn't even do estimates of crowd size anymore?

But really, what on earth has got the normally implacable (i.e., "heavily medicated") Matt Drudge so peeved at Miz Malkin?

Gavin thinks he knows:

Girl, maybe you ought to stop dissing his boyfriend:

The CPAC I saw
By Michelle Malkin · March 04, 2007 11:15 AM

[…]

Enter Ann Coulter.

Her “faggot” joke was not just a distraction from all the good that was highlighted and represented at the conference. It was the equivalent of a rhetorical fragging–an intentionally-tossed verbal grenade that exploded in her own fellow ideological soldiers’ tent.

drudgecoultercpac05.jpg

(Drudge and Coulter conclude that the peasants are revolting at the 2007 CPAC.) 

Oh, that's right.  And this is where you have to be wary of nosebleeds and altitude sickness from the staggering amounts of irony in the air.  Matt Drudge, a gay man, is pissed at Michelle Malkin for trying to pull a Tonya Harding on Coulter for using the word "faggot" at CPAC.

(There, there.  Easy now.  You're just not used to it.  Deep breaths.  Easy.  Tip your head back.  There you go.  Better?  The dizziness will pass, I promise.)

Malkin clutches her tiny gold cross necklace as she rears back with her bat and swings hard at Coulter's poor, defenseless kneecaps: 

With a single word, Coulter sullied the hard work of hundreds of CPAC participants and exhibitors and tarred the collective reputation of thousands of CPAC attendees. At a reception for college students held by the Young America’s Foundation, I lambasted the substitution of stupid slurs for persuasion– be it “faggot” from a conservative or “gook” from a liberal–and urged the young people there to conduct themselves at all times with dignity in their ideological battles on and off campus.

I made something else explicitly clear: Not all of us treat the communication of conservative ideals and ideas as 24/7 performance art. You can and should use humor to convey your message. You can enlighten and entertain–without becoming a tired old schtick. You can joke without becoming the joke.

And Michelle knows from being the joke.  She's had lots of experience in that area.

But this is all so much eyewash.  If it's really, really going to be war between Malkin and Coulter, why fight through their proxies?  Surely Coulter can smite Malkin with one hand tied behind her back.  Come on, Annie!  Where's that fighting spirit?  Don't tell me you blew it all on the 9/11 widows.  What are you going to say to that little trail of cat-sick?  She's trying to knock you off the throne, girl.  You better watch your back.

I would try to pick someone to root for, but in light of each combatant's contribution to society, I think group suttee may be the only solution.  Although if anyone here is an innocent, it's poor Drudgie, who is letting his allegiance to the Coultergeist set him up in conflict against the woman with the most dangerously unhinged readers in all of blogging.  We'll see how long it takes his personal information to appear online, or for the DDoS attacks to start against the Drudge Report.

I love the sound of Right Wingers infighting.  It sounds like…victory.