Crossposted at the lovely new Radical Writ, eagerly awaiting interested Blenders to bask in its radically progressive glory…
You may have heard that the FAUX News Channel was going to be sponsoring a 2008 Democratic Presidential Debate. Many progressives recoiled in horror at the idea of our champions appearing on the right-wing’s media mouthpiece, but I, for one, was looking forward to it. I figure it’s part of the 50-State Strategy Governor Dean used to help us win the last election. There are some places in America where the dial is always and only turned to FAUX News. The only chance some of these Dems would be heard by some folks in flyover country is if they were speaking live on FAUX.
Progressives told me I was wrong, that FAUX would have its before and after debate five-head neo-con panel disseminating GOP talking points and distorting what was just said in the debate, that FAUX would use misleading chirons to spin the Dem message, and that merely by appearing on FAUX the Dems legitimize its message. John Edwards dropped out of the debate early, Bill Richardson was next. I began to rethink the issue. Maybe I’m wrong on this one, maybe it’s wrong to have a Dem debate on FAUX.
Now, it’s all apparently a moot point. The Democratic Party has officially canceled the debate, thanks to one of the few times FAUX News Chairman Roger Ailes used his mouth for something other than eating. Ailes did his best Dennis Miller impersonation and told a bunch of unfunny right-wing jokes, which the Dems are now using as cover to cancel the debate, rather than admit they F’ed up in the first place and that the pressure from truly radical progressives and MoveOn was too much to bear.
A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian. He said he thought it was Osama bin Laden. Ok, it was a mistake, but it still ranks as France’s biggest military victory ever.
Ha ha ha! The French, what losers. Only a true comedy genius could come up with such witty original material. Let’s just give back to them that big green statue in the New York harbor, it reeks of stinky Frenchness (besides, it’s called “liberty” and doesn’t fit us as well anymore). Also, let’s give up on the Enlightenment ideals of separation of powers we cribbed from that dirty frog Montesquieu and just have a unitary executive branch (well on our way). While we’re at it, let’s disavow the assistance of General Lafayette in winning us a war of independence from the British Crown and go back to living under a despotic King George (ditto).
It is true that just in the last two weeks Hillary Clinton has had over 200 phone calls telling her in order to win the presidency she must stay on the road for the next two years. It is not true they were all from Bill.
Ha ha ha, that’s a real good one. Bill Clinton likes to sleep around. This joke brought to you by the Year 1998, reminding you that during times of government surplus, booming economy, reduced crime, and incredible popularity, you can be impeached for lying about oral sex.
But the final straw that broke the camel’s back was this little gem:
And it is true that Barack Obama is on the move. I don’t know if it’s true that President Bush called Musharraf and said, ‘Why can’t we catch this guy?’
Heh heh heh, ‘Obama’ sounds like “Osama’! His middle name is Hussein! Now c’mon down to Nevada, y’all, and we’ll see to it that you get a “fair and balanced” debate. Also, I don’t know if it’s true that Musharraf replied, “Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about, President ‘Dead-or-Alive Tora Bora’?”
Robert Greenwald has done an excellent job compliling the ‘fair and balanced’ way FAUX would’ve covered the debate: