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Oooooooh.  Look what arrived in my mail yesterday.  A survey from the Heritage Foundation.  Well, in truth, it is a fundraising mailer thinly disguised as a survey, but I hate to quibble with an organization with as much experience at this sort of tactic as the Heritage Foundation.  I mean, they are a Conservative Think Tank Of Stature.  Right?  Um…right?

So, let's just dive right into their stature-esque think tankiness, shall we?

(Oh, and to make it more enjoyable for everyone, might I suggest that you read the following "survey questions" in the voice of Frank Ferret Face Burns.  I think it adds a touch of truthy je ne sais quoi to the whole experience.  And I find that the voice of Frank Burns is just perfect for wingnut voiceovers, don't you?)

1.  Do you believe the left poses a threat to our national security?  Yes  No  Unsure

– Well, I've obviously answered "no" to this one.  Unless, of course, you can say that neocons are leftist, which they most assuredly are not, because frankly they've done more damage to America's ability to defend itself since…well, pretty much ever.  The neocons are sucking the wind right out of America's sails, and I've written a little note on my Heritage Foundation survey saying just that.  You just know with a helpful answer like this that they will be soliciting my opinion more frequently.  Okay, onto the next one.

2.  Do you think the left has the ability to fatally damage the conservative agenda?  Yes  No  Unsure

– I've decided to add a write-in candidate:  "Good Lord, I sure hope so!"  I think the exclamation point really makes the difference there, don't you?  I just hope I don't offend anyone by praying to the Lord Jehovah to help the conservative agenda to be fatally damaged.  Do you think I should tone down my liberal fervor just a tad?

3.  What do you think are the most important elements of the conservative agenda this year?  (Please number 1 – 3.) 

Gosh, this one is more difficult, with such stellar choices as follows: 

* winning the war in Iraq
* making America secure against terror
* securing our borders
* preventing liberals from raising taxes
* protecting traditional marriage
* winning the war on terror abroad
* making America better prepared for disasters
* cutting government spending
* moving toward energy independence  (well, that's an interesting one from the Heritage Foundation, isn't it?)
* appointing conservative judges
*other ______________

Once I got past the redundancy of the several "scary foreigner" security threat possibilities and the traditional scary pesky homosexuals, I had to laugh at cutting government spending.  Ah, yes, conservatives have been so fabulous at that the last six years, haven't they?  And appointing conservative judges?  Well, that takes us right back to the pesky homosexuals again and, dare I say it, abortions (gasp!  because women ought not be trusted to make their own decisions about something so private, so painful, so personally wrenching with their own families, and it being no one else's damn business, no siree).  And if there are a few corporate legal decisions thrown in for good measure against those evil union folks and those other folks some like to call "workers"?  Well, so much the better, I guess, for The Heritage Foundation.   Sure, this is a tough category, but I'm going with (1) "making America secure against terror," (2) "making America better prepared against disasters" and (3) "other:"  "getting George Bush out of office as soon as possible so that we can make some headway on 1 and 2 above."  I think they'll go for that sort of logic, how about you?

4.  From which media do you get most of your news?  (You may check more than one.)

* the TV networks
* newspapers
* radio news
* the Internet
* cable news stations
* magazines
* radio talk shows
* other ________

While all of these are tempting choices, I've gone with "other" — I've decided to write in "Keith Olbermann."  Just for kicks.  Next up is my fave question of all.  Truly.

5.  Which of the following "new media" do you listen to, watch, or use?

* Rush Limbaugh
* Fox News
* the Internet (What?______)
* other talk radio (Who? ______)
* other cable news (What?_______)

Oh, lookee, the Heritage Foundation is using their fundraising mailer to pimp out promo for Rush Limbaugh and Faux News.  Because Rush is tres nouveau, isn't he, with a show that started in…1988, when Rush devolved into the wingnut mouthpiece that he is today.  I am so sending them money.  (Not.)  And I'm writing in firedoglake.  I think they'll enjoy browsing through our site, don't you?  (Oh, darn it.  I used French again.  Now they'll know I'm a liberal fer sure.)

6.  Do you ever look at Heritage's website MyHeritage.org?  Yes  No  Unsure

Um….no.   Not really.

Now, the interesting part of this mailer for me was that The Heritage Foundation has 501(c)(3) status from the Internal Revenue Service.  And yet, they can send out mailers whose entire purpose is as follows:

Ooooooooh!    Liberals!!!    Scary!!!!    Send us some money!!!!!!!!!

And yet they still maintain their 501(c)(3) status.  The mailing also includes a six page letter ostensibly signed by Steve Forbes (pssst — I think the signature is a phony computer fill-in…), which goes on and on in the language that is normally reserved for crazy old men who've had too much beer at the VFW and are staggering homeward after last call (or Pat Buchanon pretty much any given day when he hasn't had his morning prune juice):  "crazy leftists," "radical liberals," or, my favorite, the "feminist left."  (Ooooh, even scarier:  LIBERAL WOMEN!  RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES!)

I haven't spent much time (yet) digging through all of the tax laws involved, but I do know that to maintain this tax-exempt status you cannot advocate directly for particular candidates and a number of other check-off provisions that cannot be breached.  If we have some tax experts in the readership, please do chime in and explain to me how a blatantly partisan organization which shills for the people who shill for the candidates can play Six Degrees of Alexander Hamilton with the tax laws, and skate this close to the edge without going over.  Truly.  Isn't it about time we started asking some questions about just this sort of thing?

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