
(Some of you may be familiar with the attention-seeking histrionics of Slate columnist John Dickerson. In February of last year, Dickerson printed a column bemoaning the fact that no-one saw fit to subpoena him in the Grand Jury Investigation into the leaking of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to the press. Yesterday, he followed up with this post in which he recounts the heart-freezing terror of hearing his name uttered in court during Ari Fleischer's testimony, when he suddenly found himself thrust, apparently only semi-unwillingly, into the center of the court's attention. It was, to hear him tell it, an ordeal beyond all comprehension, and resulted in the shaving of at least 90 precious seconds off of his full 15 minutes of fame. Mr. Dickerson was kind enough to submit the following essay to FDL, which we have reprinted in full. We are pleased and proud to offer this intimate look into the mind of such a stellar journalistic talent and consider it a "two-ton feather" in the cap of our coverage of the Libby trial.)
I raised my hand and asked, "Ma'am? May I approach the counter?"
"Did I call your number?" asked the matronly African-American woman sitting there at her computer beneath a giant "Click-It or Ticket" sign.
"No, ma'am," I replied.
"Then, no. You may not," she said, going back to her typing.
I was at the DMV to get plates for my new BMW coupe. And I had found, much to my astonishment, that I was almost to the front of the line! My heart was in my throat. I felt that all the eyes in the room were on me. What should I do? Wait my turn? Shout a question to the clerk on duty? Should I walk from the line to cross behind the counter? What, oh, what?
"Number 437!" called an older man at a desk further down the line.
"Number 437?!" I thought, "That's me!"
Then, my number was displayed on a big digital read-out at the front of the room. The DMV workers had put it up there to identify (and apparently call attention to) me! Yes, me, John Dickerson, former Time magazine White House correspondent, now relegated to emptying pencil sharpeners at Slate, graduate in good standing of St. Pompey's Boys Academy, Elmhurst, and Intrepid, Ultra-Hard-Hitting Reporter. I am that John Dickerson, yes, I see you've heard of me!
And now my time had come. There was no forestalling it. It was time to go before the heartless Inquisitors of...the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles!
With a sudden sick feeling, I realized that I had left my paperwork for my car's emissions test on my friend Tad's coffee table in Georgetown. Shock! Horror! Oh, woe! Fie upon me!
"Sir?" It was the matronly woman again, "Are you number 437?"
I didn't know what to say. Again, all eyes in the room were upon me. This was my moment. And I didn't have my emissions sticker! Curse the luck! All is ashes! I am but half a man...
"Sir? You're holding up the line. Are you holding number 437 or not?"
"No!" I shouted, "I mean, yes! But..."
Should I tell the truth? Should I pretend that I already gave them my emissions test? Should I say that my car's emissions are confidential and protected by auto-journalistic privilege? Would these government-worker plebes buy it?
"Sir?" she was merciless, this DMV gorgon, "Sir? If you are number 437, please come to the counter. Otherwise, please step aside. A lot of people are waiting."
"But-!" I cried, "I-!"
Now the older guy from down the row was getting involved. "Are you number 437 or not?" he churlishly demanded.
And that, I am ashamed to say, was when I snapped.
"I'm not just a number!" I shouted into their stunned, bovine faces, "I'm John Dickerson! I went to really good schools! Really, really good schools! I wrote for Time! I almost got subpoenaed in the Libby trial! That trial's not about Matt Cooper at all! Or Ari freaking Fleischer or even Judy Effing Miller! It's about ME! ME, ME, ME!! It's all about ME! Why can't anybody fucking understand that?!"
I realized with a prick of shame that tears were pouring heavily down my sweating visage.
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outsi-"
"Screw you! I hate you! I hate all of you and your...ass faces! I'm important! My mom was a trail-blazing investigative journalist!"
That was when the woman behind the counter got ugly with me. "Are you that Jonah Goldberg fool?" she demanded, starting to come out from behind the counter, "I oughta kick your narrow white behind. I got your 'colorblind society' right here, you scrawny-"
And that was when I ran away, away. Away from that smothering little room, away from the stupefied expressions of the other people in line, away from the fluorescent lights, just away, out into the blinding afternoon.
I die. I die.
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TRex!
LOL! Awesome!
AHAHAHAHAHA!
TRex!!!
John who?
So today is my 47th birthday and I just learned I have the dubious distinction of sharing said day with Ol’ Dead Eye Darth Cheney…
blerg…
I’m sorry, Kelven - that IS sad!
but Happy Birthday anyway!
;-)
Of course I also learned it is Christian Bales birthday as well so that helps to ease my pain…
Ran away, clutching his pearls no doubt.
TRex, you have got a gift.
Someone reached down and said “Give this one some talent for observation, a double dose of descriptive abilities, and then just empty out that whole super-sized bottle of snark into him.”
And then you must have said “Thank you - may I have another?” because they doubled the recipe.
Hey can someone tell me why Jonah is called “the doughy pantload”? I mean I’m sure it has something to do with rising to fame on moma’s apron strings but whence came the original source for this nickname?
Oooops…they did it again: Second GOP memo pushes Lieberman as means to attack Democrats on Iraq
http://www.rawstory.com/showar....._0130.html
Peterr @ 7
And then God slapped me on the ass and sent me on my way, “And remember, kid!” He called after me, “Neatness counts!”
T-rex, your late night postings are the cherry on the sunday…
Kelven @ 11
Nonsense.
I lost that at 15.
How, exactly, does a theropod wear a two-ton feather?
This is, I think, unfair to Dickerson, whose piece from last February is actually a really nice piece and who has also struck me as quite transparent about his role in the case - yes, making Fleischer’s disclosure all the more surprising yesterday, though I suspect neither of them is lying. We’ll see what, if anything, David Gregory has to say.
So you’ve been to the Virginia DMV, then?
Oh, my, TRex, why, oh, why did you not quote T.S. Eliot when you had the chance?
“I should have been a pair of ragged claws/ scuttling across the floors of silent seas….”
:)
Peterr @ 13
Any way I want to, of course.
*Matt* Cooper. Otherwise, brilliantly Onion-esque.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I needed a good belly laugh.
You should be writing pieces for the New Yorker. (Not that I don’t want you to continue doing your late night gig here at FDL. I just think you are as funny if not funnier than David Sedaris.)
TRex, you slay.
it’s all about meme.
My mom was a trail-blazing investigative journalist!”
yeah, Angie Dickinson in Perry Mason….
Damn you’re good. Dashing in the green scaly outfit, too.
punaise @ 20
A tiny factoid that has absolutely nothing to do with this: “Perry Mason” was one of Leo Strauss’ two favorite television programs…. :)
Kelven @
8
They rhyme, sorta sound the same.
Kelven @
8
It’s an accurate way of describing his intellectual output, not to mention his relative immaturity and his dependency upon his mother….
How did you get inside this creep’s head so brilliantly? You’ve captured his brittle need for recognition so well, and applied it in such a theatre of the banal — which is, of course, how he likely lives his entire life.
Petro @ 23
I thought it was ‘cuz he’s a pasty white mofo who’s constantly shitting his pants re the War on Terra but is too much of a coward to actually go fight (in one of his posts he said something like: oh, good heavens, I could never join the miltary and put my ass on the line. I have a family blah, blah ,blah….)
punaise @ 26
Well, there’s that.
TRex, dear, I’m not kidding. You have a book just waiting to be written. If you don’t someone else will, just think how pissed off you’ll be then. You write it! I’m already imagining the interview with you and Katie Couric. ahahahahah!
MasonMcd @
18
Aheh. Oops. I was thinking back to some of my more unfortunate reading habits in the 90’s, hence Dennis Cooper.
Margot @ 28
I would be terribly nice and polite to Katie Couric. She’s gotten a bad rap, I think.
punaise @ 20
Actually, his mom (Nancy Dickerson) really was a trail-blazing journalist
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_Dickerson
TRex @ 30
That might be being generous to a fault, I think.
No real news person she.
dab from CT @ 31
You doubted me?
Hey Trex,
Did your Milk Duds make it all the way through the Judy, Judy, Judy Show? Popcorn holding up??
Margot @ 28
I couldn’t agree more! A tell all take down of O’Beirne, Coulter, Malkin… y’know, like Bambi vs. Godzilla…
LOL - Of course not!!!
I was clarifying punaise’s point.
TRex @ 33
I was, uhhh, improvising…
punaise @ 26
I’ve always said (and someday the LA Times will print me saying it) that twelve weeks in boot camp and a month out at Fort Irwin desert combat training would slim him right down and put some backbone behind his mealy little mouth. But alas, it’s not to be. Unless we get some sort of, um, executive order, perhaps?
For the historical record, “doughy pantload” is a registered trademark of http://norbizness.com/ and every time you use it, you need to pay him a royalty. I think it has to be paid in pudding cups but I could be wrong.
Froomkin chatz at WaPoO tomorrow at 1pm est; questions accepted now.
Kelven @
6
Christian Bales and Dick Cheney, one played American Psycho, one is.
-GSD
The source of the nickname “Doughy Pantload” is Austin, TX blogger and comedy genius Norbizness.
Credit where credit is due!
Kelven @ 35
Bambi vs. Godzilla is a classic! It is good for at least a Super-Duper Size Popcorn tub!
dab from CT @
19
If Graydon Carter knew about T-Rex am certain Vanity Fair would pay better than the New Yorker. (g)
tbogg @ 39
Thanks, for that.
Norbiz likes the chocolate, or the butterscotch?
OffT: Dear Leader runs amok at the helm of a Large Cat.
TBogg beat me to the footnote!
And three time zones behind me!
Must be the Perfect San Diego Weather™ that keeps him sharp…
AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
It’s TBOGG!!
*swoon*
Kos has Anatomy of Deceit headlined at his site.
-GSD
newspaperbrat @ 44
Oh, no. I don’t want Wolcott to think I’m trying to horn in on his gig. I hear those Upper West Side mavens will break your legs and throw you in the Hudson if you even look at them slant-wise.
So I can’t decide whether it’s “A Million Little Pieces” meets the Onion, or Bulwer-Lytton attends the Algonquin Round Table.
I’m leaning highbrow on this one.
TeddySanFran @ 46
Leave it to Bush to push just about the only export item the U.S. has left, and then mostly an item bought by Israel for knocking down the homes of those in the occupied territories… and then uses it to chase down the same press that kisses his ass daily.
Perfect.
“It’s almost as much fun as blowing up frogs.” Bush shared with his Secret Service agents.
To think Dukakis got shit for his tank and goggles stunt.
Look at this asshat.
-GSD
newspaperbrat @ 44
VF tends more toward snark than the New Yorker does, too.
MasonMcd @ 51
The original piece I was working on tonight had a quote from William Faulkner’s Nobel Prize for Literature acceptance speech. Does that get me any highbrow points even though it wasn’t published?
GSD @ 54
Dickhead.
TRex @ 56
No, but it does give your comma finger RSI.
TRex @ 50
I think as long as you showed him the proper reverence (and who wouldn’t?), he’d be okay with it.
Okay, kids. Packing up to get out of here for the night.
Anybody need anything from Kroger?
TRex @ 56
Yes, if it included the words “prevail” and “dignity.”
(Don’t get me wrong–I like Faulkner–I’m rereading The Sound and the Fury for the umpteenth time right now.)
Cheese Whiz and an orange whip.
-GSD
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/07.....0201301900
How many clever captions could be generated by this photo?
It’s true. 58 years of blogging and coming up with “Doughy Pantload” is the only thing I’ll be remembered for, but apparently not, judging from the thread. The genesis was this May 2004 post where I give some Clownhall columnist the business (I think I came up with “unfrozen caveman columnist” for Jeff Jacoby in the same post).
TRex @
57
You talking to me?
-GSD
dab from CT @ 63
Dunno, but it looks like a real Calvin Coolidge moment to me….
TRex @ 60
Only if Trader Joe’s is still open there - ran out of their fabulous popcorn reading Marcy’s compelling live blogging from the press room. Please don’t tell me TJ’s hasn’t made it to Georgia yet.
I’m fascinated that the Yahoo story omits the amok & laughing part of the Cat story, which Newsweek carries only on its “blog.”
I think this shot is a lot more comparable to the Dukakis thing.
norbizness @ 64
And a worthy legacy it is–probably will be remembered long after George Bush’s legacy is happily forgotten. :)
GSD @ 65
Please see item #4 on this list and the accompanying animated gif file for more fun with the preznit in working man drag…
I am sadden to read over at the DKos that Mollie Ivins has not long to live.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/1/30/193150/553
She is such a brilliant writer and we can ill afford to lose her.
FITZ!
Aw, crap. I’m an hour late.
TeddySanFran @
46
I particularly like this part:
I get to laughing so hard, the dogs think I’m choking….you just KNOW it was complete chaos…
AZ Matt @ 72
When I read that earlier tonight, the first thing I thought was that, over the years, between her columns and her books, I’d probably read about a million words by her, and most of them were both perceptive and funny.
Few of us go leaving that behind us. She’s lucky, in a way. And we are lucky to have had her around when she was most needed.
Kelven @ 4
Think of it as you redeeming the date for its regrettable association with Big Time.
Bummer about Molly Ivins being near the end. I posted a picture of her from DemocracyFest (aka DeanFest 2005) at my blog, along with a link to her recent piece about resisting the surge. She really is an inspiration.
Lou Costello @ 9
That’s what I like about the House GOP lately. We can consistently count on them to do our PR work for us.
OldCoastie @ 74
I get to laughing so hard, the dogs think I’m choking….you just KNOW it was complete chaos…
I’m more than a little reminded of the episode of M*A*S*H where Frank decides he’s going to show Hot Lips that he knows how to drive a tank.
TeddySanFran @ 68
An eco-defender on a factory tour revs up a massive D-10 tractor, threatens “I would suggest moving back, I’m about to crank this sucker up”, and then deliberately steers the tractor into the press area as reporters literally dash for their lives.
The eco-activist is charged with multiple counts of attempted vehicular homicide. Federal Law Enforcement officers in the press gaggle were also at risk. The eco-activist faces Federal charges of multiple counts of attmpted murder upon Federal officers. Federal sources would not comment on regarding their intention to seek the death penalty for the alleged crimes.
montag @ 75
Your thoughts remind me that Moses did not make it to the Promised Land. He could see it in the distance. Mollie has seen the repudiation of Bush and that probably gives her hope for a better place for us. Between now and 2008 we have important work to do and remembering her while we do it is something she will appreciate.
I think the shrub shoulda had a breathylizer test after the tractor incident…
OldCoastie @ 82
I think he should have had to take a battery of psychological exams before being accepted as a presidential candidate.
GSD @ 54
Please tell me there is video of this. W’s “macaca” moment
dab from CT @ 63
I’ve got the same pic!
http://homepage.mac.com/masonm.....speech.jpg
mc @ 84
Was the photo taken before or after he shouted “Autobots transform and roll out” and tried to run over the press corps?
I have no idea who this Dickerson fellow is but this, this I would’ve paid to see happened.
Betcha didn’t know the folks at the DMV were so literate.
Ok driving back by…
someone linked to this site earlier for the 14 signs of facism…sorry can’t remember who but thanks…
This one is a doosey what do you all think? Rethug propaganda? Wishful thinking…
A ‘Perfect Storm’ Is Rising
To Oust Dick Cheney
By Michele Steinberg
This article appears in the
February 2, 2007 issue of
Executive Intelligence Review
1-30-7
http://www.rense.com/general75/perft.htm
Re: The Catt Incident: I wonder what those newspeople are thinking and feeling after their harrowing several minutes of being herded around by a madman operating a monster tractor? Remember Lucy, the chimp who was taught to sign? There was, and probably still is an ongoing debate about her ability to comprehend and communicate concepts. It was reported that on one occasion she was being carried on someone’s shoulder, pissed on that person and made the sign for “funny”. Bush probably pissed himself laughing as people scrambled out of his way. And those people may have pissed themselves and are still pissed at him. Only the chimps are laughing. Heh.
EvilDrPuma @ 83
Heck, he should have had to take an EEG!
*wonders if it’s too late to request one*
My suspicion about Ari’s conversation with David Gregory and John Dickerson is that Ari was talking in his usual Ari-speak, and Gregory and Dickerson just couldn’t figure out what he was saying. Hell, if they’d had any experience with Ari at all, they probably weren’t even listening.
Linda @
89
Those things can be very dangerous.
Machines aren’t dangerous.
People are dangerous.
To Hotflash @ 92
Please know that I was not making light at all of the danger. I was equating Bush’s sense of what is funny to Lucy’s. The reported incident with the bulldozer underscores Bush’s complete disregard for the rights, dignity and safety of others. It sickens me that he is our president.
Can I continue to rant about David Gregory, please? WTF? Dude, your job is to report about the White House. The former White House Press Secretary has just claimed, in open court, that he told you about Valerie Plame. Please do your job, and report your version of the conversation.
response in search of a comment:
“hush, hush, cutie”
punaise @ 96
Q. What did Scooter Libby say to Judy Miller when he heard that she had been subpoenaed to appear before the grand jury?
[Jeopardy blogging]
punaise @ 96
What will be the name of TRex’s first big hit single?
Today the White House announced that Dick Cheney, reaching the retirement age, of 66
6has decided to retire. In a grand send off a huge replica Viking Boat will be constructed and all his WH files will be sent to Valhalla in a farewell pyre!In other Washington News a man dressed in a black embroidered cowboy shirt and jeans with boots set in cement was found in a section of the Reflecting Pool. A ten-gallon hat was found drifting nearby. A woman identified as Judith Miller was found wandering nearby but said that she didn’t recognize the man and denied having any recollections of meetings with him “in July”.
However, upon returning home, the Lady found a mysterious notebook in a shopping bag under her desk, and the next day said that she did, in fact know the decedent.
cinnamonape @ 99
ValhalliburtonValhallelujah!
OMG, punaise, you are the master.
TRex @ 102
just riffing, pal.
look out, Val’s gals!
Great post TRex. I think I have met that dmv lady and it was’nt pretty.
Memo to CAT World HQ: Hide the ****ing keys! and if he asks for the keys just tell him they are manufactured in Viet Nam.
That story would sum up his presidency perfectly if he had left nary a soul alive.
Can we the taxpayers drop his insurance coverage?
Well it’s 14 outside (and falling) and we have a chance of snow for the next three days and nights. So I have about eight logs roaring in the fireplace, some hot tea, while watching a very restless cat who wants to attack my mint copy of Miles Davis in person live at the Blackhawk, San Francisco, spinning on the turntable.
My kind of cat life.
speaking of Wolcott, he shreds Woody Allen in “Scoop” (not entirely unfairly) after taking “Little Miss Sunshine” down a peg or three.
that’s why I’m not a movie critic: too easily entertained.
punaise @ 105