president pete doherty

(Pres. George W. Doherty runs the media gauntlet.) 

I'm at my parents' place in Columbus, Georgia.  I came down this afternoon for a skin biopsy.  Just a mole that was acting up.  Nothing to be alarmed about.  We'll get pathology reports back in about a week.  The dermatologist had a look at it and said, "That needs to come right on off."  Out came the scalpels and the surgical knives followed by the sutures.  The numbing agents have worn off and it's starting to smart a bit and the bandage is itching.  But, hey, you know.  It could be worse.  I could be stuck in front of the Preznint's god-awful State of the Union Speech.

Oh, no, wait.  I am.

Dammit!

9:18pm, eastern: Groan.  He's talking about the economy.  Ooooh!  Next week we get a speech entirely devoted to the economy?  Hold me back!  That'll be more exciting than a colonoscopy!

Heh.  He's clearly warming up for his White House Correspondents' Dinner comedy routine.  He says we need to "balance the budget".  HAR!  Where does the several hundred billion dollars you borrowed from Chinese banks to pay for the War in Iraq figure in that equation, Mr. Bush?

9:21pm: Teddy Kennedy seems to have passed out.  Can we get a medic in here?  Get Dick Cheney's defibrillator!!  Give him some air!

9:23pm: Is he really still shilling for No Child Left Behind?  Oh, god, he is.  Nancy's pursing her lips and scowling over his shoulder.

9:25pm: Whoops!  Did someone say Universal Health Care?  Oh, no, so sorry.  Mandatory health care and a little teeny tiny tax handout to help you with the cost.

Crap.  Who am I kidding?  I can't stand to do this.  Someone else will do a better job live-blogging this speech, surely.  I'm going out on the porch for a cigarette.  Stupid fucking frat boy.  Miserable gobbet of shite.  What the hell is he talking about?  Is he giving Canada's State of the Union?  HELLO?!  IRAQ WAR?!  What planet does he live on?

9:33pm: God, you know what?  He's totally trying to rehabilitate his presidency by changing the subject to a bunch of domestic policies that even HE won't remember next week.  How's that Mars Mission coming, Gomer?  Are you going to run the big rocket ships on switchgrass?

The pathetic thing is that the post-show pundits will lap up this bait-and-switch like dogs eating each other's puke.  It's "The New New Bush Presidency"!!

I can read tomorrow's Peggy Noonan column already, "In a bold and sweeping change of direction, President Bush demonstrated his magnanimity toward the incoming Democrats by embracing a series of brave and groundbreaking environmental initiatives and frugal, pragmatic economic measures that are guaranteed to Restore Our Country to Greatness..."

Okay, really.  Going out to smoke now.  He's on 9/11 and the War on Terrah.  I know how the rest of this goes.  "Onward to Iran!!  KILL!!  KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!"

God, you know, I would give anything to see Nancy Pelosi lean forward and just smack him across the back of the head good and hard.  Then she'd open her purse and give him a half stick of gum to keep him quiet until the end of the sermon like my grandma would. 

You know?  This speech would be so much more fun if Pelosi sat back there talking non-stop on a pink Motorola RAZR™ while smoking cigarettes and doing her nails, pausing only to occasionally roll her eyes and check her watch.   

I'm going to pretend that's how it went.