(Why is this woman smiling? Read on…)
Okay, so, here's the deal. Normally, I could give two shits about what Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are up to. I mean, train-wrecks are soooooooo 2003. Yawn. White trash rich girl from Louisiana makes it big, really big, then meets bad boy, goes hideously bad herself, and then things turn ugly, blah, blah, blah. Is anyone surprised? Really?
Just in the last few days, though, I have to admit, it's gotten interesting in a way that I didn't expect. And frankly, in a way that I think we all could learn from.
Let me see if I can get everyone up to speed here.
November 8th, this story appeared, which was basically a rehash of the divorce announcement, but confirmed the existence of an iron-clad pre-nup agreement:
Federline almost certainly cannot challenge the prenup. Sources say hotshot divorce lawyer Laura Wasser drafted an air-tight prenuptial agreement before the couple married. So Federline's only chance of cashing in is by mounting an ugly custody fight, trying to force a more lucrative settlement. But friends of Spears say Britney will fight a holy war to prevent Federline from getting custody and, given his track record — or lack of it — with the kids, it would appear Spears has the clear advantage.
Good on ya, Britney. You may not be able to sing your way out of a walk-in closet, but at least you didn't marry that shlub with your eyes completely closed.
And that seemed to be the way it was going to play out, but then K-Fed let fly with this bombshell revelation:
(CBS/AP) Britney Spears and Kevin Federline made a four-hour sex tape early in their marriage that he is now threatening to sell unless she gives in to his demands in their divorce case, according to a British tabloid, The News of the World.
It says Federline wants more than $30 million from Spears, along with custody of the couple's two young children, Sean Preston, 1, and Jayden James, 8 weeks. The newspaper also reports that Federline has been offered $50 million for the tape by one film company that wants to put the video online.
"Ohhhhh, Britney," I thought upon hearing this, "What were you thinking? Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Why do famous people think it's a good idea to video themselves having sex? When is this EVER a good idea? 'Hey, honey! Since we're going to be together forever and always love each other, let's shoot a tape of ourselves doing disgusting things together for, uh, for the grandkids. What could possibly go wrong?'"
Seriously, it's right up there with, "Hey! I've got an idea! Let's invade Iraq!"
And that, it appeared, was the end of that. Bad Boy landed a lucky punch and gets to spend the balance of his days rolling in ill-gotten cash. The End. Or, at least, until one of them OD's in a shitty hotel room on the Vegas strip, and then we'll just have to deal with the endless rehashings by Hollywood's scandal mavens before a hush falls and the fickle public gets a taste for some other batch of freshly slain Godflesh of the Anointed and moves on. Brad and Angelina breaking up or Nicole Richie gaining a whole pound or something.
But then yesterday came a move that would make Machiavelli himself shudder and say, "Aw, shit, that's COLD! Daaaaaaaamn!"
Federline has already been approached by a porn mogul in the U.S. to buy the tape, but chose to pass on the deal.
Now Britney Spears says she may just “give away’ a copy of the sex tape the couple made on their honeymoon two years ago.
Sources close to Spears report she is “seriously thinking about” giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of the four-hour long sex video.
During a visit to Burger Basket with her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James Spears said she may just post a clip of the video on MySpace.
Oh, K-Fed, you thought you were so smart. See, if she posts the video on MySpace, it automatically becomes worthless as a publicity coup, hence, nobody will give Federline a penny for it now. Will it work?
It already has:
TMZ has learned that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will come together one more time to tell the public that they never made a sex tape.
Reps from the divorcing couple tell us that both Britney and Kevin want to put an end to rumors that K-Fed is out peddling a sex tape for some quick cash. They have agreed to jointly issue a statement, hoping to put an end to the flurry of stories that such a tape exists.
Dude. Hey, K-Fed! You think Britney'll give you your nuts back as part of the divorce settlement? Cos it sounds like right now she's got 'em right there in her purse, at least when she doesn't have them in one of these:
And that, my friends, is one ice-cold, elegant bit of strategerizin'!
(Note to self: NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PLAY POKER WITH BRITNEY SPEARS'S LEGAL TEAM.)
"But, TRex!" you may be saying to yourselves, "What does this really have to do with anything we normally discuss here at the Lake?"
Why can't we have minds like this handling our foreign policy? Why are we placing the fate of the free world in the hands of a bunch of ill-informed, pudding-headed company (wo)men like John Bolton, Michael Ledeen, and Condoleezza Rice? We need Laura Wasser in the United Nations. Can't you picture it?
Day One: Ambassador Wasser announces that North Korea are perfectly free to pursue a nuclear weapons program, but that the United States will be providing not only light-water reactors to South Korea, we will be supplying them (and Japan and Vietnam) with a fully operational nuclear weapons arsenal and a staff to operate and maintain it, all under close UN and US supervision.
Day Two: Ambassador Wasser decides to extend this offer to Iran as well, but announces that the entire nation of Israel will be relocated to the Utah desert by the end of 2007. The Israeli government is given six weeks to choose which relics of the Holy Land it wants to take with, and the rest will be divided among the remaining nations of the region, with visiting rights for Jewish and Christian pilgrims on holidays and weekends.
Day Three: Iraq is declared free and independent and our troops returned home, with monthly alimony and child-support payments to Iraq (equal to but not exceeding the amount of money it was producing on a monthly basis prior to the invasion) so that it may live in the style to which it is accustomed, including meals, hotels, travel expenses, flowers and gifts.
By god, I think it'll work. Someone get Wasser on the phone. It's time for decisions this crucial to be placed into the hands of actual smart people who know that if they fail they'll lose their job, not get a Presidential Medal of Freedom and a pat on the back from Preznint Clusterfuck.
Who's with me?