There are certain things in life that one never expects to have to say. Things like, "Another tour de force performance from Charlie Sheen!" or "A vocal performance of exquisite subtlety and restraint from Christina Aguilera". The Mark Foley page-baiting scandal has added another of these improbable phrases to my lexicon and it is possibly the most logic-defying, patently absurd one of all. It is this:
"I sure hope Nancy Grace is all over this story."
See? Ewwwww. I feel a little weird just saying it.
I remember the first time I ever saw Ms Grace on some late night talking head squawk-fest. I can't even remember what the case was, but I was immediately on edge the moment she started talking. I didn't know if it was her adenoidal delivery, her plangent, self-righteous tone, her Crystal Carrington shoulder pads, or the fact that it looked like her hairdresser was trying to sculpt her head into the shape of a potted fern (with highlights!), but I remember thinking, "This woman is a total nightmare!"
So naturally, she's practically got her own network now.
But all that has been looking a little dubious of late, ever since a guest on her show committed suicide after a particularly bruising interview with Grace week before last. People have been asking questions about her journalistic integrity. After all, not ALL defendants can be guilty, can they?
But see, that's been Nancy's calling card ever since she got a job sitting in for Larry King. Since the tragic murder of her fiancé (or as she says "fee-AWN-saaay"), she has been on a one-woman crusade to mend our "broken" criminal justice system by obviating the need for trials, judges, and juries. They're ALL guilty. Just ask her.
No case it too sordid. No victim or perpetrator's feelings are too delicate to be smashed into atoms by Grace's take-no-prisoners interview style. If there is any journalist who can bring the Foley scandal to the public in all its filthy, perverse, creepy, and deeply sleazy glory, it's Nancy.
And frankly, it couldn't be better timed for everyone concerned. Nancy's going to need a bit of career rehab after having a guest shoot herself. We need the Republicans to lose the midterm elections in a spectacular way. The Republicans are running like cockroaches scurrying for cover when you flick the kitchen light on. Come on, Nance!! Time's a-wastin'! We need you to drag those teenage boys into the limelight! Make them talk about how Congressman Foley's advances made them feel! Make them read the emails and IM's he sent them on live television! Bring on the child psychologists! Can we get some of these victims to cry on camera?!
Nancy, darling, this is your moment. This scandal could be for you what Paula Jones was for Ann Coulter, the seedy spectacle that takes you over the hump from somewhat marginal hysterical crank to ubiquitous, omnipresent hysterical crank. Rita Cosby and Greta Van Susteren are good with this sort of thing, but they're just not like you. They just don't have the same snarling, wild-eyed prosecutorial zeal that you do, girl. This is the moment when we need our favorite spunky blond ambulance-chaser more than ever before. It is time for you, Nancy Grace, to answer the call of your country.
But really. If you're going to be all over my television from now to November, I wish we could talk about your hair…