Oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker.
How ye fighty are maulen.
We’re going to file this next to Michael Barone on how all Democrats are "draft-dodgers" under "Unintentionally Hilarious Ironic Statements of the Year":
Media Matters: On the August 22 edition of MSNBC’s Tucker, host Tucker Carlson stated that there are "so few men" and "so many wussies at the helm" of the Democratic Party that "[n]obody has the huevos to stand up to" Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) and tell her that "you’re not running for president." As a result, Carlson contended, Clinton "just bulldozes everybody" in the way of her presidential ambitions.
Okay. Never mind that Bill Frist is so effeminate he makes Michael Jackson look like a lumberjack, or that none of the current crop of Republican leaders have ever served in a war or fired a shot at anything but a bunch of canned quail and old lawyers, future Dancing with the Stars contestant Tucker Carlson says the Democratic party is run by "grouchy feminists with moustaches", and that left-leaning men are "wussies", ergo it must be so.
"Wussies" is a pretty strong word from a guy who’s been wearing his prep-school bow-ties and a John Cougar haircut for nigh-on two decades now, though, isn’t it Tucker? Oh, but I nearly forgot. They took away your bow-ties, didn’t they? And actually, their disappearance seems to dovetail neatly with your shocking decline. Could they have been the key to your power like Samson and his hair? What stylist or network consultant stripped you of your single most identifying characteristic? How hard would it be for you to get them back? Cos, really, Tuck, it’s kind of disturbing to see you all drained of your status and influence like this. It makes me almost (almost!) feel sorry for the pathetic, attention-starved mess that you have become.
And it has been a long fall. I remember not two years ago, you were ubiquitous. Your self-satisfied smirk was everywhere. The sun never set on your arrogance, oh, yes, I remember! You were the de facto voice of former Reagan Youth everywhere, the pre-NeoCon avatar of a nation of Alex Keatons, all graduated from your cushy private universities and ready to take on the world with a million smug little quips and snotty asides. You gave hopes of relevance to a million mental midgets just like you who knew in their hearts that their fathers’ money and boarding-school bona-fides did made them, well, better than everyone else. Your smug condescension inspired an army of imitators. It’s thanks to you that the Hinderakers, the Jonah Goldbergs, and Ben Fergusons get any air-time at all. Those kids should be sending you flowers every day, shouldn’t they Tucker? Without you, they’d never have gotten past the Pox News green-room!
And yet, where have they been now that you need them most? You got shitcanned from CNN after Jon Stewart came on Crossfire and not only took the wind out of your sails, but chopped down the masts and set the whole stinking ship ablaze. It doesn’t appear that you have ever recovered. You fucked off to MSNBC where your ratings have hovered somewhere south of Ann Coulter’s cooking show and Bill O’Reilly’s "Tips for Dating Your Coworkers". Nobody, and I mean nobody watches you. Well, unless of course Coulter’s on, and she only uses you for sloppy seconds after she wipes her spikes on Matt Lauer and Chris Matthews and still needs some attention at the end of the day.
And now, shock! horror! You’re going to be shaking your money-maker like a trained monkey for ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. And frankly, I think that’s just sad. Was there absolutely NO OTHER WAY you could have found to boost your ratings? You couldn’t call in Nancy Grace to help you exhume the corpse of JonBennet for an exclusive on-air interview? Larry King wouldn’t throw you a bone and come on to help you lob softball questions at Ken Mehlman or anything?
I hope the fuckers who did this to you remember this when they need you to, well, I dunno, teach them to rhumba at a party or something. Poor, poor Tucker.
But I will remember you in your former glory, Tuck. And of all the moments in your long and execrable career, there is one I will cherish the most. Remember when Ron Reagan, Junior addressed the 2004 Democratic convention? I remember, oh yes. You were on the panel of Opinionati they turned to at the end to explain to us at home exactly what we had just seen. You looked…different that night. Your normal fatuous smirk was gone and your thin, Republican lips were pressed tight in an angry white line.
"I wonder what’s up Carlson’s ass," I said to my then-boyfriend.
As you spoke, it hit me. You were furious, I mean spittin’ mad that your name isn’t Ronald Reagan, Junior. Not that guy up there on the stage, selling out to the Democrats and sullying the legacy of YOUR president, the Greatest President in US History, Emperor Ronnie.
You sat there looking like you wanted to shred your bow-tie and eat it and I could tell exactly what you were thinking. "I hate that guy!" was the look on your face, "He’s ruining everything! If I was Ron Reagan, Junior, I’d be KING! How dare he be all…gay like that! I hate him! I hate him! I HAAAAATE him!!!"
Well, for what it’s worth, Carlson, I hear that President Reagan danced a mean fox-trot. You’ll have your chance to live up to his legacy, I just know it, even if it’s in that one small way. Good luck, okay? Let us know how it all turns out.