Hey, how are you? It’s been a while, I know. I’m writing to let you know that I’m a little bit concerned about you. Not only are you looking increasingly ill, I really think you may be doing irreparable damage to your career. And frankly, I don’t want you to flame out just yet. Not before I get a chance to completely trounce you in an argument on TV and rub your nose in some of your own bullshit.
So, it is with almost really genuinely altruistic motives that I am writing to you. You need to take some action now to shore up your flagging reputation or you’ll be gone entirely by the time I arrive on the pundit scene, and while verbally throttling Michelle Malkin would be almost as good, it’s just not the same, you know? It would be pretty cool, though. Still, she’s just not you, Annie. Okay, I take that back. She kind of is you, just in cheaper shoes and Old Navy twin sets, but it wouldn’t be the same. You’re the original solipstitute and I will accept no substitutes.
So, anyway, let’s talk about this "President Clinton is Gay" wheeze you’ve got going right now.
From Crooks and Liars:
DEUTSCH: OK, say it on air.
Ms. COULTER: I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some level of latent homosexuality.
DEUTSCH: OK, I think you need to say that again. That Bill Clinton, you think on some level, has — is a latent homosexual, is that what you’re saying?
Ms. COULTER: Yeah. I mean, not sort of just completely anonymous — I don’t know if you read the Starr report, the rest of us were glued to it, I have many passages memorized. No, there was more plot and dialogue in a porno movie.
DEUTSCH: …a former president of the United States, and just saying, `You know what? I think he has latent homosexual tendencies.’
Ms. COULTER: No. I think anyone with that level of promiscuity where, you know, you — I mean, he didn’t know Monica’s name until their sixth sexual encounter. There is something that has — a whiff of the bathhouse about that.
Um, that’s pretty rich coming from you, Ann, given the whiff of the crack-house about you.
But, basically, you’re saying that Bill Clinton is gay because he’s had so much sex with so many women.
I hate to break this to you, honey, but it doesn’t really work that way. And if it does, I have some phone calls to make. There’s a couple of well-known lotharios in my town who I wouldn’t mind a roll in the hay with at all. ("Uh, hello? Yeah, it’s TRex. Yeah, hi! I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been assigned to be your sherpa whenever you’re ready to take that trip up Brokeback Mountain…")
I understand that your book is slipping on the Times Bestseller List. And now newspapers are dropping your column left and right. That’s so sad. Not.
So, let’s see. Pending felony voter fraud charges, accusations of plagiarism, falling book sales, and even newspapers in the reddest parts of the south are declining to carry your column anymore. David Letterman called you an evil, crazy bitch. Even Adam Carolla, in what may be his single laudable act in life, hung up in your face. That had to hurt. Jimmy Kimmel’s b-man, the other guy on "The Man Show", the "star" of TLC’s "blockbuster hit" (*cough*) "The Adam Carolla Project", right? He’s too cool to talk to you now.
And this worries me. As you become even more of a sad, pathetic parody of yourself, you’re in danger of crossing the line into the same territory as, say, Anita Bryant, i.e., too washed-up and pitiful for one to pick on without looking like a bullying sadist. And we don’t want that.
Get a new shtick, Ann! This round of talking points is letting you down. Maybe you should take some time off, cut back on the crack, coke, Adderall, diet pills, Tab Energy Drink, and crystal meth (or whatever it is you do instead of eating), and get some rest. A woman your age needs to take care of herself. You’re not quite the fresh-faced Connecticut debutante you once were. (If you ever were.) If you implode now, Michelle Malkin will snatch that tiara right off your defeated, helpless head and crown herself America’s Queen of Hate. Is that what you want?
I didn’t think so. So, pull it together, you crazy heifer!
Yours in Christ,
T. Rex, Esq.