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As if the nasal inflection, the flat delivery, the horrible timing and the Ross Dress-For-Less fashion sense weren’t bad enough, Michelle Malkin is…God help us all…bustin’ rhymes.

I can’t say I’ve actually watched the whole thing because half way through the video it crashed, and when Firefox wanted to know what had happened I didn’t think it would be particularly helpful to say "even browsers have limits."  So the remaining part was left to my imagination…which was pretty fucking awful right there…but I did get to hear her say of one Islamofacist rapper that "he put the dope in dope rhyme."  (And no, this isn’t a parody post, I’m not that clever.)

Pop culture in the hands of wingnuts is like watching children play with matches…no good can ever come of it, and you know someone’s going to get hurt.  So our good friends at Sadly, No! came to Malkin’s rescue:

  “You can call me a racist- I been one for years,
 But my nasty jeers’ll leave moonbats in tears,
 I’ll make Cindy Sheehan cry like a mon-SOON,
 Then laugh as tha’ cluster bombs go “BOOM!”
 Explosions- in the Middle East,
 Death and bloodshed are on the increase,
 I won’t get strafed,
 I’m sittin’ home safe,
 Gettin’ paid by Richard Mellon Scaife,
 Don’t you dare glare,
 You better saluuuuuuuute,
 Cuz I’m on wingnut welfare,
 I write hateful shit, guess what happens next?
 It gets published by Regnery Press! I’m gonna knock you out!
 Mellon Scaife said knock you out!
 I’m gonna knock you out!
 Reverend Moon said knock you out!”

Now I know if you’re reading Brad R.’s rap stylings, you’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

CONTEST!!!

Not since the Dick Cheney Poetry Contest has such an opportunity to be helpful to our rap-challenged wingnut bretheren.  Really, we owe it in the spirit of Online Integrity. It’s our personal tribute.

The winner will receive a copy of David Neiwert’s fabulous book Strawberry Days: How Internment Destroyed a Japanese American Community (no special reason…why do you ask?)

Here are the rules, please read them carefully because failure to follow them will result in disqualification:

  • Entries can be no more than 20 lines long
  • All entries must be left in this thread. 
  • The deadline for entry is 6:00 pm PDT/9:00 pm EDT on Tuesday, July 4, 2006. 
  • As always, anything overtly racist or sexist will be immediately deleted.

Next week we’ll have some sort of elimination round, the rules of which will be determined by the number of entries.  We may have to have some panel of hastily assembled experts narrow it down to a handful of semi-finalists for the community to vote on.

So get your pencils sharpened and go to work.  Remember, a bunch of talentless, tone-deaf, middle aged right wing pundits are depending on you to be their connective tissue to pop culture.

It’s the least we can do. 

(BTW Retardo gets "phrase of the day" for the following:

Pantload is sapient enough, barely, to recognize that the perfect distillation of his own fucktardious hunk of shit column “will no doubt bother some folks.”

That’s poetry.)