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(Tonight's guest poster is Thesaurus Rex of Incomprehensible Demoralization) 

First off, let me say that I am terribly honored to be here tonight. I was flattered and a little awe-struck to be asked to contribute to FDL. This is my favorite blog, so it's kind of like standing in the audience watching my favorite band tear down the house, and then suddenly the lead singer hoists me up on the stage and hands me the mic. Well, here goes nothing.

You know, one of my favorite soldiers in the Pundit Wars these days is Randi Rhodes. So many of the people purporting to represent "us" in the media are about as passionate and compelling as a bowl of tepid, lumpy oatmeal. (I'm looking at you when I say that, Joe Klein.) They inevitably cave to conservative pundits, apologize for being liberals, and fall right in with the Republican tactic of painting common-sense, majority-held positions as some kind of far-left, extreme propositions. ("An exit plan for Iraq? YOU HATE AMERICA!") All of us know the drill by now.

Randi, well, she don't play dat. She bites down on a topic and locks her jaw like a pit bull and doesn't back down. Nowhere is this tactic more in evidence than in this confrontation from Larry King Live where weenie pundit Ben Ferguson attempts to take her down about Iraq and ends up getting his ass handed to him, but not before Ms Rhodes has shredded it, stomped it, backed over it a couple times with the car, and fed it to the pigeons.

Let's go to the transcript, shall we? In the process of trying to defend his position in the 101st Fighting Keyboarders, Little Ben says, "I have friends in Iraq", as if this makes him an expert in U.S. Mid-East Policy.

But that's just the opening Randi needs:

FERGUSON: Randi, I have friends in Iraq, OK?

RHODES: Listen, you should be in Iraq. You're 22. When I was 22, I was in the military. Why aren't you there?!

FERGUSON: I'm 24 years old.

RHODES: Why aren't you there?! Then GO!!

FERGUSON: And just because I support something doesn't mean I have to always go fight.

RHODES: You go. You go. Go ahead. You go and then you come back because you know what happens when we come back?

FERGUSON: I support the Yankees doesn't mean I wear their uniform. RHODES: Once you've served, you come back, and you're suddenly a liberal. Do you know why, Ben? Because you're only as good as the weakest. And that's why you aren't in the military.

MMMMMMMMMM!!! Tastes like Chicken Hawk!! Sigh. Where do they get these idiots, anyway? I am right on the verge of declaring that absolutely any guy who wears that stupid, pudding-bowl frat-rat haircut should be automatically banned from any speaking or writing engagement whatsoever. No Regnery book-deal for you, Scooter! And no, you can't go try and cop some weed off Don Imus. We're not letting you on his show, either.

Is this the best the Rightards can do for advocates, now? Is the last 29% of the population who support Bush made up entirely of ex-home-schoolers who went to Patrick Henry "University" and are now writing puff pieces for NRO's "The Corner"? WHY is this little shit-stain considered an authority on ANYTHING? I have ties older than that kid! Ferguson petulantly insists, "I'm 24!" which reminds me of when I was a kid and would insist to people, "I'm not nine, I'm NINE AND A HALF!"

So, tell the truth. Did the Larry King producers have an empty chair, so they just went to the local Fat Tuesdays, threw a set of Land Rover keys in the air and grabbed the first drunk that staggered out of the crowd? Was the next topic up for discussion that night "How to Build a Beer Bong" or "Diversifying Your Trust Holdings"?

I don't know about you guys, but I am SICK of these little blue-blooded turnip-heads who have never worked a day in their lives trying to tell me that I don't know what's good for America. "I support the Yankees, but I don't wear their uniform"??!! Listen, kid, we aren't talking about a BALL-GAME here! When the Yankees lose, they don't get taken off the field in body bags. And thousands of people in the stands aren't being slaughtered by factions from the rival team.

Jesus effing Christ. GET A JOB, YOU LITTLE PUNK! I know there's a table at a Chili's somewhere that needs bussing and it's got your name allllll over it. When we need advice about how you and your wealthy friends can rape a stripper and then hire a hot-shot attorney to get you all off scot-free, we'll give you a call. In the meantime, let's get someone with a little firmer grasp of the issues. My neighbor has a nice hanging fern that I think would look just great on camera. I'll ask her about its prime-time availability in the next few weeks.

Thank you and good night.