
During my years as an attorney, one of the areas of law that was very dear to me was working with abused and neglected children. Not because it was a happy part of my job most of the time, but because it was one aspect of my legal practice where I truly felt we could all make an enormous difference in the life of every child we helped. I worked in all facets of that area of practice -- helping the Department pull kids out of severely abusive homes, following-up on their foster care placement, doing home visits with the kids I represented as a guardian ad litem, and then later as a prosecutor, holding abusive parents criminally liable for their conduct. I've also represented my share of parents in these sorts of situations.
None of this was easy. But the thing that always puzzled me was how some children seemed to be able to snap back from all of the misery, the physical and emotional strain, the horror of repeated sexual abuse. Some children were somehow able to pull themselves up and move forward with their lives despite everything that had happened in their young lifetimes, and some seemed trapped -- almost as if the abuse were still ongoing -- no matter how good the foster care placement or adoptive family. I always thought of it as a sort of switch -- some kids had the ability to flip it on and go forward, some never could, but it has been a huge puzzle for me throughout my professional career as to why this is such a divide, even among kids in the same family who lived in the same circumstances -- good and bad. (I talked a little about that here.)
The NYTimes Magazine has an article today that may explain some of this question. And I wanted to bring it to everyone's attention, because the problem of child abuse in this country isn't just limited to the children and the families involved in the discreet court cases or the nasty little spat you witness at the local WalMart or whatever.
Abuse touches each and every one of us -- because a child who is abused even once has his or her view of the world changed in that instant forever.
Not to go all Dr. Phil on everyone or anything, but my experience with the criminal justice system in my little microcosm in WV -- and in talking with other prosecutors from around the country at seminars and such when I was practicing -- is that we all see the same families over and over again in the system. You start with a child who has been abused, physically and emotionally, and you have an abuse and neglect case. They move into the juvenile justice system, and eventually into the adult criminal system. And then they have children, and the cycle often begins anew.
Every once in the while you get a kid who beats the odds -- but they were rare, and it always puzzled me as to why those kids were able to make that choice to have a better life and really make it out of the problem cycle. And I tried to learn from those kids when it happened -- what had we done right within the system, what had the foster placement or adoptive placement taught us, etc., so we could do better with everyone else. But there never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to it.
Until reading this NYTimes Magazine article this morning. It's a tough read, but maybe, just maybe, some genetic issues can explain a little bit of the resilience question.
But it doesn't explain the whole of it. We do things backward sometimes in this country -- and how we deal with child abuse is one of those things that I think deserves a whole lot more thought and care than we have given it in the past. I'm going to try and devote some time and energy to this issue throughout the month of May, as time and events allow, because it is so important to all of us in our nation that we get it right.
Our children -- all of our children -- deserve nothing less.
(I found this poignant photo at a website called Thompson at Large, along with an intriguing article about child abuse issues. It's worth a read and some thought -- and it something I'll address down the road.)
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Colbert!
Fitz and Colbert!
Such a sad picture…
And some (FL) will not allow gay couples to adopt….. wingnuts would rather have these children go from home to home than allow them to be part of a loving and secure permanent home. ugh.
test - sorry
To oversimplify, the “resilient child” seems to have been born with a personality of being fairly even-keeled emotionally, probably above average inteligence, and more importantly, had at least one adult in her/his life that the child KNEW believed and cared for her/him. This could be a teacher, coach, aunt, therapist, etc.
Interesting article–thanks, Christy. Despite the genetic factor, it seems that regular contact with a supportive adult is still the most important element in overcoming abuse.
Christy,
Thanks for posting this. Fascinating genetic implications.
Angie #3,
I have mixed feelings on the gay adoption issue. Here’s how mixed: on the one hand, I’m not really sure if gay/lesbian adoption is right. I accept it, but wonder what kind of societal effects it has, and admit it makes me kind of uncomfortable. Just doesn’t fit in the frame of where I came from. And on the other, if anything happens to both my wife and I, we want our boy raised by dear, brilliant, principled friends who happen to be a lesbian couple. Weird, huh?
Catholic-style arguments against same-sex adoptive parents seem to center on the potential for sexual abuse and for harmful effects of children being “raised in the lifestyle.” And maybe there’s something to those threats. But heterosexual parents aren’t exactly a safeguard against abuse, and I doubt there’s any manner of it that could be visited on children that traditional families haven’t engaged in.
What most matters to a kid is having people who love them enough to lay down their lives, and if that’s there, much is forgiven. Our son forgives us every morning for turning off his videos the previous night, which apparently constitutes severe abuse to his way of thinking.
Many years ago, I took a psych course called “The Battered Child,” which examined the issue of child abuse and neglect. I recall one of the four profs, a doctor, discussing exactly this issue: why some kids are marked for life, while others somehow emerge (relatively) unscathed. At the time, he had no clear answers. I’ll read the NYTimes article with interest.
Kids have no vote and consequently no power, and this is especially so in the present political environment, with its ugly, “too-bad-for-you” philosophy. If it’s a social problem, let the market fix it.
At least there are advocates like Christy, for whom doing-the-right-thing means exactly that.
in Indiana, State Senator Woodie Burton (brother to Congressman Danny Burton) is the main proponent against ‘gay adoption’ but yet those boys were raised in a horrible, dysfunctional family with a drunken, abusive father…
*ilson46201 # 9 –
The Burton Brothers prove that some kids never recover, and are doomed to become abusers themselves.
Sorry to comment on a previous thread here, but just finished watching Colbert at the Correspondents’ dinner on CSPAN. When I read the quotes, I thought they were funny. When I watched him deliver the lines on tv, it was so intense that it was not funny at all.
Every negative thought the press corp had about the administration that they were not allowed to give voice to was delivered by Colbert and Bush was forced to sit there and take it. And everyone could just say, its just comedy. Everyone was so stunned that Colbert had the courage to voice those thoughts directly to the president that they sat there with there mouths hanging wide open. Colbert was the bravest person in the whole world yesterday.
Not to say that I was abused but I certainly lived through some confusing and unnecessary misfortunes with my parents when I was a kid. The reason I bring this up in relation to Christie’s post is because I can see in my own family, which consisted of two brothers aside from myself and one sister, that each of us came away with a different perspective and coping menthod resulting in different ways of going about how each of us has dealt with the effects of our upbringing. Of course, each of us weren’t treated exactly the same. Although that is something that my parents denied and continue to deny.
Some of the disagreable patterns that Christy touched on have not repeated with how I have raised my children, or, as far as I can tell, how my siblings have raised theirs.
now C-Span1 is carrying live the Rally for Darfur …
Just saw Colbert. Wo.
Harry 18 prev thread: Mrs. Bush’s dress wasn’t black, it was navy. So the white/black analogy doesn’t quite work.
OT, but in realm of profiteering (actually, its cousin ‘fraud’ in Iraq contracting) -
http://www.latimes.com/news/na.....crosspromo
Jung called this little unexplainable something “Grace.”
Sad to say, things are only going to get worse for the most vulnerable — both children and adults.
The social impact of $3 and $4 dollar gasoline, peak oil, and the BushCo stealing from the future has just begun to be felt — the best we can hope for is to mitigate some of the damage.
Not to mention the populations that will be at risk, from Nature’s response to global warming.
I wish there were some easy answers — but I sure don’t see them.
I don’t have time to read the NYT piece now, but we did a lot of focus on this in my grad school training, and I’ve been studying resilience and high functioning for some time now. Comment #5 is a good thumbnail synopsis.
I wish I had time to spend in this discussion but I’ve been doing so much politics lately I really have to focus on writing a proposal today.
In front of the county health clinic I go to, there are hundreds of shiny silver and blue pinwheels stuck in the ground, in the flowerbed. Children were picking them up and blowing on them. Then I saw the sign:
____County had 971 reported cases of child abuse this year.
What #12 Kitt said.
I read a book in the late eighties called something like “The Resilient Child,” but I couldn’t find the exact book that I read through googling or on Amazon. In any case, this book suggested that one aspect of resilience among many was being the tiniest bit sociopathic, in that the resilient child could move on successfully from trauma by kind of shrugging off and forgetting about the experience and not being stuck in a place of dehabilitating anxiety. (Sociopathy and lack of anxiety are highly correlated.) Many people have “survivor guilt” when they manage to survive an event that others don’t survive. The resilient person would perhaps feel survivor guilt relatively briefly but then make the most out of the fact the s/he survived and still had a life to live. Some people are able to eke out positive experiences from very emotionally scarce environments. I think that the there is something about biological temperment and ability to self-regulate that affects the capacity for resilience.
I have been the foster parent of abused children. It is truly heartbreaking. The kids who don’t internalize all the blame seem to do better than those who agree that “it’s all their fault.” Fear, anger, scapegoating, beating up on the weakest available target, it’s a very old and sorry story.
Excuse me, I meant to say “debilitating,” not “dehabilitating,” although perhaps the latter should become a word!
The genetic correlation to depression is very interesting. I’m afraid the way we think of genetics and conscious purpose is foolish. Genetic traits are often both good and bad; for example sickle cell in a population provides some advantages in re malaria. I’m all for getting rid of malaria, and sickle cell anemia is the source of great suffering. However the correlation between sickle cell and survival advantages against malaria reminds how genetic expression is the product of intelligence over time–there are reasons for things we may have little or no understanding.
The point is that the double allele expression correlated with depression may have corresponding survival advantages we haven’t paid attention too. OUr foucus must be on what we can do to help people recover and succeed in living. Okay, I’m out of my element when it comes to genetics, but it seems reasonable to focus on the gifts people’s lives bring to the rest of us. Differing gifts enrich us all. And no child should suffer abuse!
Thanks for alerting us to this article. But most of all thanks for reminding us that we’ve got to do right by our children. All of us can do something to help children grow into healthy and happy people. And doing things, no matter how small, towards this end will make us all happier in the process.
I have some pretty deep sentiments on this issue pertaining to the anti-abortionists who are so vehemently and often times violently against abortion rights in this country. Perhaps a part of me agrees with the pro-life side, and perhaps I might even concede a point or two that they make in principle. If indeed we are responsible enough to have sex, then we should be responsible enough to know and accept any possible consequences of responsibility of a baby that could be conceived.
But that’s about as far as my sentiments are shared with them. I fully understand the arguments with the pro-abortion side and agree with nearly all of them - 4th Amendment, women’s right to choose, Roe v Wade upheld in courts 30 or so times, overall healthcare in our country, etc. etc. But what truly gets me the most is how ardent and vitriolic so many anti-abortioners are about life prior to birth…
where is their support, undying and unwavering support, and even vitriol to those lives created AFTER birth? How many pro-lifers did I see who paraded around in my hometown in Wichita in 1992 for Randall Terry’s “Operation Rescue”, fight for better health and living conditions at orphan homes and foster care centers for those children AFTER they were born? Where is the passion from these same individuals who want to upend the laws on abortion rights to have similar laws passed that demonstrate similar passion for those children born in poverty, diseased, without parents, and the care for such children afterwards in foster care and orphan homes?
What I often hear from anti-abortioners is that they give to their churches for such causes, to which I do applaud. However, why give to your church for such a cause, but not rally around the capital and attack your Congressmen at every waking breath in the exact same manner that you do to overturn Roe?
It wreaks of hypocricy, and I continue to hear the crickets chirp.
OT:
Note the Rethuglican reference, Ted Stevens, in the La Times story about Iraq ripoffs:
http://www.latimes.com/news/na.....;cset=true
ASARS was paid $42.8 million to train and equip 6,000 guards to protect Iraq’s electrical infrastructure. The audit found that it could not be determined whether any of the objectives were met because the “program barely got started before it was canceled” in March 2005.
The audit report criticizes the company’s construction of what was supposed to be a classroom and auditorium for the security guards at the Taji military base outside Baghdad. Instead, the company erected an open-air pavilion and charged the government $1.4 million. The audit said the pavilion should have cost $50,000 to $100,000.
Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) has been criticized for his ties to the parent company of ASARS, Arctic Slope Regional Corp., an Alaska Native firm.
EPU’d from last thread, might bear repeating:
Colbert and Stewart are no Thomas Paine and Ben Franklin. But they occupy almost the exact same evolutionary niches in today’s political ecology. Common Sense and Poor Richard’s Almanac, Paine and Franklin’s respective books of satire, defined American popular culture in a way that galvanized the people’s anger at their mistreatment like a chemical reaction. Their humor didn’t just blow off steam for the anger, it also channeled it into political action. Colbert and Stewart seem to be achieving a similar effect.
Of course, King George (the real one) never had to sit through a Thomas Paine routine and take it. A more excruciating public ass-raping Dubya has never been through…don’t think that there won’t be repercussions from it. Bush wants someone killed over this. Anyhow, Colbert’s address is enduring history, folks, and I hope FDL gives this signal event the amplification it deserves.
OT, but thanks to meta, angie, and zennurse for comments re my remarks (http://www.firedoglake.com/2006/04/30/sunday-talking-head-thread-4/#comment-85221) on yesterday’s demonstrations.
I just wanted to add that I hate attending marches and demonstrations. I hate having my exquisitely nuanced views aggregated with those of organizers and co-marchers; I hate slogan-chanting (although I almost attempted to rouse the crowd in a round of, “Hey, hey, NSA, how many phones have you tapped today?”); and I hate not being able to append “usually” to every “War Is Not the Answer” placard I see.
And although the troupe of leftist belly-dancers (I’m not kidding) was fascinating and surreal, it was at the same time everything you’d imagine might be right and wrong about a troupe of leftist belly-dancers.
The only things I hate more than demonstrating are the horrific circumstances that necessitate my (and IMHO, all of our) doing so.
new thread
There is a very private “club”. It is formed of the common denominator of tears. Cried, many times in silence, by children of the meaness of “grown-ups”. Those who inflict the pain and misery, and those who cover it up, and do nothing, are just as guilty. Only those of us, who as children, tasted and smelled the rotten scent which is the monstrosity that is child abuse, know what it’s like. If ever there was a helpless, hapless, sad and unrepresented group of miserable human beings, it is the children born, through no fault of his or her own, of abuse.
OK Kiddo #30 — Amen. Fantastic post.
ralphbon, that’s a memorable insight. I must say myself that some of the last Iraq war demonstration felt a little bit more like a cruising scene with people trying to get hooked up, but whatever. I just can’t sit this one out. Thanks again for your honesty and for your patriotism. And Angie, that picture speaks a thousand words.
Christy thanks for writing about this. As (I think) you know we adopted my son Dario. I still shake with rage when I think how he was treated by the previous couple responsible for “caring” for him. I’ll leave it at saying that they used to have dinner parties where he was the menu.
When he agreed to stay with us I started by admiring him and that admiration quickly turned to love.
But it took ages to get him to realise that he was safe let alone safe and loved. Ages and a lot of work. We had to make ground rules which were written in an agreement - never mind that he couldn’t read!
“Dario may not be ever be touched without first being asked for permission.”
“Dario may not be bathed without a chaperone present.” (It was usually Du who was chaperone.)
“NOBODY is allowed into Dario’s room without his explicit permission.”
“Dario’s underpants are to be put into the washing machine by Dario and Dario alone. Dario’s underpants are to be taken out and dried in Dario’s room by Dario alone nobody else is to touch Dario’s underwear even if Dario isn’t wearing them.”
It’s a lot of work but it’s worth it. The day Dario anounced that he’d decided to call me “dad” and gave me a big huggy squeeze is one of the golden days in my life.
Thanks for writing this posting.
Mark
wow! the “club” finally got some active members!!!
As a pastor, I’ve worked with parishes around the various issues of child abuse. The more peaceful situations have been educational forum and parish planning sessions around the topic “how do we make this parish a safe place for children?”
As part of a multidenominational social ministry organization, I’ve done supply preaching in different parishes and preached on child abuse, and would get amazing reactions at the end of worship while shaking hands at the door. One person leaving would say “Thanks for that powerful message, but we don’t have that problem here. You ought to preach it over *there*.” Quite often than not, the very next person in line (who overheard the comment) would say “Thanks for that powerful message, and we DO need it here - I was abused as a child and folks here don’t realize how close to home child abuse really is.”
I’ve also had the sad experience of being called in to provide ongoing support for a parish whose beloved pastor was arrested for sexual abuse of a developmentally disabled member of the parish. The pastor was eventually (after two years) tried, convicted, and sentenced to prison, but the congregation went through hell coming to terms with the whole mess - to say nothing of the anguish of the minor and the minor’s family.
Thanks, Christy, for your work on the legal side of this - and for raising it here in this forum! Child abuse is closer than anyone likes to think, and closing our eyes to it does no one any good.
I just want to add that if anyone is thinking that they can give a good home, fostering or adopting, that I’d encourage it. The vetting process is difficult … and there are days when it’s heartbreaking. The days when the child is having a bad day, or decides that they need to test you again to be sure that you really are a parent and not a predator. Those days are rough. But the days they anounce they love you or you see them running around carefree like a child should those are the days when your cup runs over and those are the days that stay with you.
Thank you, Christy, for posting on this subject. You women continually amaze me with the breadth and scope of your posts. As an older woman who marched and did what she could with her youthful energy, you make me proud to be a woman, to see and appreciate the excellence of younger women, and read a community that is so committed to caring about us all. Thank you.
One partial solution to the foster care problem is the CASA program. I’ve been a CASA volunteer for over ten years. We do make a difference for the children we are assigned to. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough volunteers for this fine program.
Thanks everyone — this is one of those issues that I am very, very interested in working on but, unfortunately, it is not one that readily lends itself to any solutions. Mark is correct in saying that it takes a lot of work over a long period of time — with each, individual child according to his/her individual situation. And it is far too neglected an issue because children have little to no political capital in this country (no votes, no lobbying power and money, etc.). This truly is one of those issues that, with a little work, could pay enormous dividends for all of us. I’d like to have a lot more discussion about it as we go forward — if for no other reason than these children deserve a lot better than simply having to fend for themselves in the shadows.
Christy @39:
Preach it, sister!
But you’re a bit off target when you say that this does not readily lend itself to any solutions. It does not lend itself to any easy solutions, nor any fast solutions, but we are learning what works. CASA works (thanks, F. Jolly @38!) although we need more volunteers, sex ed in schools works (”No, it’s *NOT* OK for your uncle to touch you there!”), and mandatory reporting laws for medical personnel, social workers, teachers, and clergy work too.
These things and others like them work to make the world a little bit safer for kids and more dangerous for those who would do them harm. Sadly, there are those who don’t want schools to say anything about sex, or don’t want to admit that abuse happens in “good” families or “good” neighborhoods, or who don’t want anyone telling their pastor what they must or must not do.
[Re that last item - Same song, different stanza: When I was in a parish in St. Louis years ago, there was a move in the state capital to make churches and church-related facilities exempt from state fire codes on the basis of church-state separation. Talk about idiocy! Saner heads prevailed, thank goodness. . .]
Keep on keepin’ on, Christy!
Hi. This isn’t Marc, but his wife, Caitlin. Marc left this page up and I have read it all through. I have heard about this concept before — actually, for the first time in the writings of Scott Peck, of all people.
First, let me say that I was not sexually abused. But I was emotionally abused and abandoned multiple times (due to adoption, parental death, multiple foster displacements, and ulitmately placed with a family that did not have much interest in me) before I was five years old. I am an example of a “resilient” and I am also a depressive. So there is some disconnect here — and the people I know with a story similar to mine would agree with me here. Depressives, panickers, anxiety-riders, you name it…we are successful, driven, hard-working, drawn to love others in deeply felt and appropriate ways, more mentally healthy than most, and still yet in low-key pain, feeling somehow unable to truly “join” in that big picture of life –where so many people seem to feel so safe and secure — probably for the rest of our lives.
This story does not cover that. Just felt like throwing that out there — not as a sob story, not by a long shot. But I think there is much more to this concept than the long-term emotional repercussions and the assumption that they will dictate future behavior.
Thanks for doing a post on this subject. As a prosecutor, I have terminated the parental rights of quite a few parents. It is funny, but I think sometimes it weighs on me more heavily than on the parents whose rights I end. I continue to believe that better pay, lower caseloads and, most importantly, a public commitment to saving children is what we really need.
I appreciate that you do these posts occasionally. It is good karma to use your little cyber soapbox this way.
Redd, the “switch” you are looking for is called Dissociation. When invoked often enough and early (developmentally) enough, it leads to Dissociative Identity Disorder. In it’s extreme manifestation, it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.
It’s a coping mechanism that seems to be available only to children of high intelligence and creativity.
Parts of a child’s life are, indeed, cut off and suppressed.
It works very well for a while but inevitably causes more and more problems as the years progress as the mind seeks to heal and re-integrate itself.
It is an extraordinary phenomenon and process.
I’m sure a little research in this area will answer a lot of questions for you. Dr. Colin Ross would be a good place to start.
This issue is so important to me, too. I work as a school psychologist, doing psychotherapy with children. My husband and I have also volunteered as court appointed special advocates, a national program I highly recommend volunteering for. We were advocates for the two foster children we were assigned to, monitoring what was happening and where they were slipping through the cracks.
I think this is an issue we should push with the right-to-lifers. Why bring more babies in when we’re doing such a crappy job with these kids now? Why give tax breaks to the wealthy and squeeze social services? How Christian is that?
PS What I’ve seen is kids having great coping strategies for alcohol abuse, etc, but never for domestic violence. Their strategy was always that they were going to get their growth, then kick whoever’s ass. This may go with something Josh Marshall was saying today about armies who prepare for their enemies’ attack being defeated armies-these kids want to go on offense and take their power back. But they end up truant, taking drugs, on probation and mad all the time.
Thank you. I too have been involved in the juvenile justice system (26 years). You are right. It is a deeply mis-understood area of law and very important
My family never went thru the system. Somehow we escaped notice that we had an alcoholic/abusive father. Didnt’ help that we moved every 2-3 years. And then we moved clear across the country.
I learned early on that how I was being treated was wrong and somehow that “saved” me. No matter how many beatings I received, there was a part of me that said, “dont’ give in to the fear, he’s wrong in doing this”. I am one of those that broke the cycle. I have two boys that will never know what it means to grow up in an abusive house. Ever. I do give them a little of my history as a child. But not the whole picture.
My sisters and brothers struggled a bit more than I did. But being the oldest I was able to help them out. I was always more of a mother figure to them than our mother was. There is so much more I could say on just that topic, but this is your blog. :)
I don’t know why some make it and some don’t. I dont’ know why I did. But I will say this, for those of us that have broken the cycle, it is still a daily struggle to keep ourselves in check. I’ve talked to others like myself, and we have so much doubts. It’s like an battle going on inside our heads.
More needs to be done to help these children and to help them break not repeat what their parents have done. It’s the only way to save the next generation of children.
Thinking of all the children maimed, burned and mutilated in SW Asia today makes me so angry that I could C*al*s K*LL the Pres*dent V*agrA and firebomb the pentagon. Surely God will speak soon through a burning bush?
Let us prey.
MarkFromIreland: Bless you and your spouse for being so kind and patient with Dario. I am so happy you were able to save him!
When Mary McCarthy wasfired by the CIA she was withing two weeks of
retirement.
Mary had been attending Law School and had taken and passed the Bar
late last year- November I believe. She had taken early retirement and
intended to practice Family Law,specalising in Adoption. This, of course, will probably now be delayed whilst she fights to clear her name.
I must say I am appalled by the research described in the NYT Magazine article on monkeys. If we can’t do abuse research on humans, I fail to see why we’re allowed to do so on other vulnerable creatures.
Carolyn Kay
MakeThemAccountable.com
Wow, you have a lot of folks getting off-topic quickly, unable to contain their need to repeat the myths of BDS. You might want to check out what happened to Screwtape when he got overexcited. Note to the better posters: if no one hints that some are overdramatic, a visitor like myself will be tempted to conclude theirs is the general opinion here.
Briefly, to that end: #25 and #44, if you didn’t know that the adoption community and the prolife community have significant overlap. then you don’t know either. This is particularly true of the adoption of older children.
We have two sons adopted as teenagers from Romania five years ago. Both were abused and abandoned and spent time in orphanages there. I have wondered often about resiliency, both in the specific case of my own children and as a general issue. There is a loose network of the families which adopted from that orphanage, so I keep up with what’s happening with those other children as well. We also took in foster children at one time, though that was years ago. Lastly, I have worked in acute involuntary psychiatric care most of the last thirty years, and about one-third of our admissions are in the PTSD/Borderline/DID range. (Pace, griffon, dissociation is not only found in the intelligent and creative.) I read up on the subject as much as I can, though you can certainly find others who know more.
Neglect seems to be more damaging than abuse, over time. Sexual abuse seems to have some sort of threshhold: there are a great many people who were sexually abused who seem to suffer no ill effects. As the abuse gets worse (longer period, more intimate, more violent, and/or perpetrator more central) the number of children able to get by it with little damage decreases.
Terminating parental rights is often a horrible, no-win situation, but I think Cathy is right about some of the parents. The idea of losing their children, the insult of being thought unfit, and the affection that they hope to receive from the child weigh more heavily to some parents than good of the child.
Oklahoma kiddo, I’m with you, dear.By any yardstick I should have been removed from my alcoholic, abusive parents’ home, but was not. Assistant Village Idiot, you are absolutely right: the shame factor of having their kids removed was the only thing that kept me from undergoing greater scrutiny by outsiders. My mother also got an enormous amount of housework out of me, in part to discourage me from studying and earning those high grades that nevertheless got me some scholarships and a path away from my family at seventeen.If not for the love and support of my grandmother, I’d've turned into Ted Bundy. I managed to get a university degree, marry happily, and raise children in an appropriate way. However, well into adulthood I still deal privately–through years of therapy and meds–with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.I’m the lucky one, though, not that I haven’t worked for every scrap of “luck” that I’ve been able to grab onto. My siblings are unbelievably scatty and low-functioning. It took me a long time to learn that I do best by keeping a whole continent away from them.
Speaking as a former foster child, and current child advocate, what the world needs is more lawyers and judges who care about the welfare of foster children the way that you do.
http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/
Additionally, speaking as a former foster child (and now wife and stepmom), I’d like to make the following distinctions:
1.) I disagree with an above posting that abuse is easier to get over than violence and neglect. Particularly, that person referred to sexual abuse.
Book recommendation for you: Come Back: A Mother and Daughter’s Journey Through Hell and Back by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontaine.
It’s important to differentiate between what we see on the outside and what’s going on inside. Mia Fontaine was sexually abused by her biological father.
The abuse went underground — and then resurfaced when she entered her teens, manifesting itself in self-destructive behavior.
2.) I also want to differentiate between resilience and pathological behavior.
It’s possible to survive rape, abuse and foster care and emerge healthy and whole — but it takes a lot of work and a lot of time for healing. (And yes, like in the movie “Sleepers,” there is survivor guilt).
This is not the same as a person who hasn’t developed a conscience. My experience with that was: a girl from a group home I stayed in as a teenager was abandoned as a baby, and never bonded with anyone. She did behave like a psychopath and did not seem to have developed a conscience.
Her detached and disassociated behavior is not the same thing as resilience.
Resilience is the result of a conscious effort of will. It’s the ability to keep on breathing, even if you doubt life has much more to offer you the next day. It is walking through the pain — not numbing out and disassociating yourself from the pain.
My belief is that I emerged from my shaky background with a fierce joy - and a passion to help others. If anything, I hope that it has made me more empathetic, and not disassociated from the pain of other people.
www.sunshinegirlonarainyday.com
So well said, Lisa.
And Village Idiot you refer to upthread is just that, or worse.
In my own case, I dissociated a large part of my life so the the rest could carry on in an animated and engaged way. It did not leave me detached and emotionless. There is dissociation and dissociation. It can get very complex and each case is unique to some extent.
So my resilience was extraordinary, for a while. Now, not so.
Thanks for commenting on those points you did.
It’s a sad reality that many children will forever lose the ability to feel the joy that we take for granted.
We have fostered over 75 children over the years ad the onle thing I notice is children who have had a strong early attachment to a primary caregiver do much better than those who didn’t have an emotional connection to someone else. Attachment and “feeling close” to someone else, someone special, is the very hallmark of happiness.
Many of “my kids” have gone on to lead productive, healthy lives but there is a distance in their eyes, an aloofness that never goes away. The Damage of neglect can never be undone in some cases.
Thank heavens for the professionals out there who work so hard for these kids - I have abounding respect and admiration for you!